So I'm sittin' here smoking an pondering on more than a few things that have been bothering me lately, which turned into me having an internal conversation with myself, which turned into me coming to a few conclusions, which turned into this blog post. I'm high so this may or may not be formal sounding like I normally do.
It's no secret there are different classes of females. Perhaps "class" isn't the right word, let's say "title" instead. We've all heard and read the titles different females hold in any particular dude's life: Main, side, fuck friend, home girl, ex girl etc. Well. That's cool, because it's 100% true. However, have you niggaz ever thought to yourself: "wait. If I gave her a title, what title do I hold?"
No. I bet you think only a hoe would put the men in her life in slots the way a man would. Well, welcome to the hell of 2012 gentlemen.
The first gentleman on the list is the fuck friend aka Dick On Demand. Pretty self explanatory by his title, the DOD is a rare thing amongst women. Most females aren't socially comfortable admitting they have a friend just for the purpose of sex. They want feelings and emotions and commitment and yadda yadda yadda. I get it, fucking someone who isn't your boyfriend is terrible and reprehensible and every woman who does it should be burned at the steak like the dick hungry heathen she is. Right? Okay then. Moving on.
Next we have the boyfriend. Ah, this gentleman is fantastic. He's in limbo between being a HIM and being a "hubby". We can also call this gentleman a "man". He's the dude you put the box on reserve for. He gets the best of you and hopefully he deserves it. He's the one you kiss on the lips, make breakfast for, giggle and hold hands in public with. Y'all haven't been together long enough to be in love but you're both highly smitten and infatuated with each other. He probably treats you awesome but may slip up from time to time, which is a sticky situation. See, y'all not in love so your position is not guaranteed if any one of these females presents him with something better. Boyfriends require the most work because you have to show them everyday why they should be with you. The relationship is still fragile.
Next we have the ex boyfriend you're not over. Oh, we hate this nigga the most. He thinks the sun shines out his ass. You still have deep feelings for him which either annoy they shot outta you or make you do stupid things you always end up regretting. The usual is the latter. For some reason these dudes are the hardest to let go of, mostly because they won't let you go either. Y'all may even still fuck, pretending it's just sex even though you're secretly still not done with them and hoping they'll decide to give it another go.
Who's next? We have the most notorious and most mysterious dude on any list: the HIM. A HIM is a dude who you show some favor to. He comes in many degrees of HIMness, ranging from a crush to a borderline boyfriend. One thing must be remembered about HIMs, they are so-called because they are anonymous. They can't be named because they can't be claimed. We share these HIMs. Until he holds a boyfriend or hubby title he is and should steadily be called HIM. He is called HIM: Her Imaginary Man. Either he's a fictitious man made up by a lonely female or a dude that just can't be claimed as yet. Either way never assume a HIM controls everything, he doesn't have that pull yet and perhaps never will depending on the progression of the relationship.
The home boy has it the hardest. He's the dude who has been friend zoned (if you believe in that). He's the shoulder to cry on, the faithful, platonic testosterone. Girls will deny it, but this dude is also the emergency dick. He's that dude on the bench who plays his position patiently waiting for when the starting lineup fucks up. He's very important though, because he will often give decent advice if he's not trying to fuck you on any given day.
The final and most highly acclaimed dude is the hubby, of course. He's the be all and end all of the men. He eliminates the need for all the other dudes on this list because he is every man in one. He's the home boy you fuck like the fuck friend, the HIM you can claim as you boyfriend/man. This is the dude you've put time in with, fought and done comfortable shit with. He's the dude that gets morning head and pays bills. He gets the presidential treatment. He's your king. This man is valued and cherished, loved and adored. He's the one you wake up and go to sleep thinking about or next to.
Every man holds his place and is valuable in his position, but the art is in knowing which man is worth which position. Don't confuse a HIM for a hubby or a home boy for a fuck friend. Crossing the wrong lines with the wrong dude will lead to confusion and heartbreak. So choose wisely.
So fellas... Which dude are you?
The Articulate Bitch
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