Sunday 25 November 2012
Welcome to Smokerdom
Your guide to the strange world of Smokerdom ... If you smoke you just might be high reading this. I salute you cuz I'm high writing it.
1. Everything non flammable that is either washable or disposable is probably an ashtray at some point. IDGAF if u think it's gross because it's true. Bottles and empty pop cans are favorites because there's probably something left over to out your bogie or blunt if you drop it inside.
2. We probably have some form of air freshening routine. Opening windows and turning on fans, spraying SOMETHING (whether air freshener or perfume/cologne), perhaps lighting a candle or incense (for those hippy dippy types). Sploofs (a toilet paper roll stuffed with dryer sheets that you blow the smoke into) for the residential types.
3. Lighters are like a reluctant shared commodity because someone is always forgetting one, losing one, pocketing one, buying one and so forth. They just rotate. I've got two lighters from two separate people from two different occasions as we speak. *shrug* lighter leashes are smart but gay. Sorry. Lol
4. Don't ask if I'm high. You saw me smoke. Am I doing high nigga shit? Okayden.
5. Everything is a bong or pipe. Bottles of all kinds, cans, and even apples. Yes.
Don't judge the stoner.
The Articulate Bitch
Friday 23 November 2012
I'm Not Crazy!
So my friends (pretty much just Trap) and I are always discussing how crazy we have or tend to act in relationships. Check out the lovely ms Cyn Santana in a video about being a crazy girlfriend...
Thing is about being a crazy girlfriend is that as crazy as you want to be, your pride may sometimes get in the way of those momentary lapses in sanity that remind him who he's fucking with.
Why be crazy? Simple. Niggaz love a crazy bitch. Why? Because a crazy bitch cares and has no problem showing it. I wasn't always convinced there was any benefit to being an insane girlfriend until my closest guy friends explained why they stayed with many of the women they complained so much about. My homies have had females bleach their clothes, show up to their side chick's job, ring down their phones, break their video game consoles, destroy their phones and do all sorts of things you would assume would be deal breakers and leave these women single and lonely. But no such thing occurred, and all these niggaz not only stayed with these women but loved them all the same or sometimes more because of how crazy they are.
A crazy girlfriend cares. You flirted with a chick on twitter and she instantly blew up your phone about it. You thought it was something small and harmless, she doesn't see it that way. What's worse? That she overreacted or if she had no reaction at all, but simply did the same with some twitter nigga?
What would you rather? A girl who acts like nothing you do matters at all, or a girl who shows that the things you do affect her? I wasn't always sure, but I do see the value in being with someone who shows how they feel when you fuck up, no matter how big or small.
I used to have no reaction to anything my boyfriends of the past would do. Honestly being crazy takes a lot out of you. It requires you being observant of everything your man does and having a reaction for it. Now, let's not take it to extremes and think that we can get away with doing any level of insane shit with just any man. NO. Your level of crazy has to be relative to how long you have been with him and how strongly y'all feel about each other. 2 weeks into relationship and you still pee with the door closed does not warrant you smashing his XBox into oblivion for him getting a text from a girl that says "Wuddup?". You splitting rent and finding an earring in your bed does (it actually warrants a bit more).
Also, don't think you're allowed to be crazy at every moment every day. That's bullshit. No one wants to deal with someone who is a ticking time bomb. That's how girls get slapped.
Balance is key as with anything. Only be crazy when crazy is needed. The rest of your time should be spent being happy and enjoying all the dopest parts of being in a relationship with someone you genuinely care about.
The Articulate Bitch
Thing is about being a crazy girlfriend is that as crazy as you want to be, your pride may sometimes get in the way of those momentary lapses in sanity that remind him who he's fucking with.
Why be crazy? Simple. Niggaz love a crazy bitch. Why? Because a crazy bitch cares and has no problem showing it. I wasn't always convinced there was any benefit to being an insane girlfriend until my closest guy friends explained why they stayed with many of the women they complained so much about. My homies have had females bleach their clothes, show up to their side chick's job, ring down their phones, break their video game consoles, destroy their phones and do all sorts of things you would assume would be deal breakers and leave these women single and lonely. But no such thing occurred, and all these niggaz not only stayed with these women but loved them all the same or sometimes more because of how crazy they are.
A crazy girlfriend cares. You flirted with a chick on twitter and she instantly blew up your phone about it. You thought it was something small and harmless, she doesn't see it that way. What's worse? That she overreacted or if she had no reaction at all, but simply did the same with some twitter nigga?
What would you rather? A girl who acts like nothing you do matters at all, or a girl who shows that the things you do affect her? I wasn't always sure, but I do see the value in being with someone who shows how they feel when you fuck up, no matter how big or small.
I used to have no reaction to anything my boyfriends of the past would do. Honestly being crazy takes a lot out of you. It requires you being observant of everything your man does and having a reaction for it. Now, let's not take it to extremes and think that we can get away with doing any level of insane shit with just any man. NO. Your level of crazy has to be relative to how long you have been with him and how strongly y'all feel about each other. 2 weeks into relationship and you still pee with the door closed does not warrant you smashing his XBox into oblivion for him getting a text from a girl that says "Wuddup?". You splitting rent and finding an earring in your bed does (it actually warrants a bit more).
Also, don't think you're allowed to be crazy at every moment every day. That's bullshit. No one wants to deal with someone who is a ticking time bomb. That's how girls get slapped.
Balance is key as with anything. Only be crazy when crazy is needed. The rest of your time should be spent being happy and enjoying all the dopest parts of being in a relationship with someone you genuinely care about.
The Articulate Bitch
Saturday 17 November 2012
Tatted Girl Problems
The life of a tattooed female is an exciting one fraught with peril and loaded with unsolicited comments and compliments alike. There's just a lot of shit only we deal with day to day. If you share my sentiment, thank you. If you don't, we'll hopefully you'll learn something today.
1. Touchy feely folks are one of my biggest annoyances. Last I checked, we humans see with our eyes. Why on earth do you need to snatch up my arm and run your hands over my skin to "see my tattoo"? It's not Braille and YOU are not blind. Don't touch me.
2. 21 Questions. People always have questions about tattoos, which is fine, but knowing which questions are appropriate seems to escape many people. Dumb questions are worse. Don't ask me if it hurt. Yes, it did. Don't ask me why I got it. I wanted it. Don't ask me "would I ever tattoo my face". Would you? Okay.
3. Curiosity Factor. A lot of dudes have been with girls who HAVE tattoos but haven't been with heavily inked women before. There's an assumption and curiosity that goes along with all this. Before you've said a word he's already decided that you're probably a freak and he's wondering what tattoos are hiding under your clothes. We get the corny pick up lines too "Can I lick your tattoos?" or "I wanna see the REST," being the most common and most annoying.
4. Niggaz also have this irritating habit of thinking that since you have tattoos already, they can make suggestions. Every single time I've been in the tattoo shop some nigga suggests or asks "you should tattoo my name,". The fuck? Why? You're not even PAYING for this tattoo. But that was real fuckin' cute though.
5. Non tatted girls either admire us for having the balls to be this inked, saying "I could never get away with that," or they hate us and think we've made a stupid decision. Those who admire look longingly at our skin as if there's something they've missed. Those who hate us make slick comments and screwface like we don't notice. I feel most sorry for those girls because they clearly don't realize how much we don't care.
6. Meeting mom is also a pretty real concern. White girls with tattoos tend to date white guys with tattoos so meeting his mom isn't much of a concern. Hence why I've said for years I can only date dudes with tattoos. But our darling black mothers are never too pleased to see a Nubian ink goddess walk through the door. At the very least, if her son is heavily tattooed she'll understand why he chose a tattooed girl. If he's bare-skinned, Houston, we have a problem.
7. Everyone thinks you do tattoos. Dude after tatted dude could pass by and no one would make that assumption. As a female, once you pass a certain point of coverage, it feels like everyone thinks you're a tattoo artist. I can barely draw stick people fam.
8. The feminine factor had me lost for a while. The makeup, the hello kitty obsession, the hair, the nails. Most ladies I know who are tattoo enthusiasts like myself fall into the culture (yes, it is one. We have magazines, websites and conventions dedicated to our community). The dramatic makeup and hair, the immaculate manicures and the strange obsession with Hello Kitty. I can't explain it. Thing is, we have to balance out the hardcore, pain-loving, badass image with something overtly feminine and beautiful. That's why my makeup is always done and my hair is too. Without those things I'd just be scary looking.
9. Planning for the future isn't always the main priority here. But as a female there are things I researched for my future ink. Mostly to do with having kids and what that will do to my tattoos. The whole lower back tattoo, epidural myth is just that. A myth. Problem is, that myth runs so deep even some doctors believe it (certainly not all). Definitely do the research yourself for peace of mind. Second was torso tattoos and pregnancy. I'm dying to tattoo my stomach but if it's gonna stretch during pregnancy and possibly not return to beauty afterward, I'd rather not do it. From what I've read it's a case by case situation. Some women recover flawlessly and some look terrible after. Again, do your own research.
10. People assume that because we have tattoos, we must love every dude who's got tattoos too. No. We might like their work, we probably find them more attractive than the average dude but having tatts alone isn't enough. It might get them a second look but there is no certainty we'll like them. Stupid stereotype.
Just a little insight. Hopefully you can relate or you learned something.
The Articulate Bitch
1. Touchy feely folks are one of my biggest annoyances. Last I checked, we humans see with our eyes. Why on earth do you need to snatch up my arm and run your hands over my skin to "see my tattoo"? It's not Braille and YOU are not blind. Don't touch me.
2. 21 Questions. People always have questions about tattoos, which is fine, but knowing which questions are appropriate seems to escape many people. Dumb questions are worse. Don't ask me if it hurt. Yes, it did. Don't ask me why I got it. I wanted it. Don't ask me "would I ever tattoo my face". Would you? Okay.
3. Curiosity Factor. A lot of dudes have been with girls who HAVE tattoos but haven't been with heavily inked women before. There's an assumption and curiosity that goes along with all this. Before you've said a word he's already decided that you're probably a freak and he's wondering what tattoos are hiding under your clothes. We get the corny pick up lines too "Can I lick your tattoos?" or "I wanna see the REST," being the most common and most annoying.
4. Niggaz also have this irritating habit of thinking that since you have tattoos already, they can make suggestions. Every single time I've been in the tattoo shop some nigga suggests or asks "you should tattoo my name,". The fuck? Why? You're not even PAYING for this tattoo. But that was real fuckin' cute though.
5. Non tatted girls either admire us for having the balls to be this inked, saying "I could never get away with that," or they hate us and think we've made a stupid decision. Those who admire look longingly at our skin as if there's something they've missed. Those who hate us make slick comments and screwface like we don't notice. I feel most sorry for those girls because they clearly don't realize how much we don't care.
6. Meeting mom is also a pretty real concern. White girls with tattoos tend to date white guys with tattoos so meeting his mom isn't much of a concern. Hence why I've said for years I can only date dudes with tattoos. But our darling black mothers are never too pleased to see a Nubian ink goddess walk through the door. At the very least, if her son is heavily tattooed she'll understand why he chose a tattooed girl. If he's bare-skinned, Houston, we have a problem.
7. Everyone thinks you do tattoos. Dude after tatted dude could pass by and no one would make that assumption. As a female, once you pass a certain point of coverage, it feels like everyone thinks you're a tattoo artist. I can barely draw stick people fam.
8. The feminine factor had me lost for a while. The makeup, the hello kitty obsession, the hair, the nails. Most ladies I know who are tattoo enthusiasts like myself fall into the culture (yes, it is one. We have magazines, websites and conventions dedicated to our community). The dramatic makeup and hair, the immaculate manicures and the strange obsession with Hello Kitty. I can't explain it. Thing is, we have to balance out the hardcore, pain-loving, badass image with something overtly feminine and beautiful. That's why my makeup is always done and my hair is too. Without those things I'd just be scary looking.
9. Planning for the future isn't always the main priority here. But as a female there are things I researched for my future ink. Mostly to do with having kids and what that will do to my tattoos. The whole lower back tattoo, epidural myth is just that. A myth. Problem is, that myth runs so deep even some doctors believe it (certainly not all). Definitely do the research yourself for peace of mind. Second was torso tattoos and pregnancy. I'm dying to tattoo my stomach but if it's gonna stretch during pregnancy and possibly not return to beauty afterward, I'd rather not do it. From what I've read it's a case by case situation. Some women recover flawlessly and some look terrible after. Again, do your own research.
10. People assume that because we have tattoos, we must love every dude who's got tattoos too. No. We might like their work, we probably find them more attractive than the average dude but having tatts alone isn't enough. It might get them a second look but there is no certainty we'll like them. Stupid stereotype.
Just a little insight. Hopefully you can relate or you learned something.
The Articulate Bitch
Thursday 15 November 2012
Moment of Honesty
I've told myself many times that I would write this post. It's been written and deleted, revised and edited, drafted and scrapped so many times. But I haven't spoken on this since... Well in a long time. It's going to be cryptic and poetic at times but bear with me. I really need to get this out.
Last year my ex, one of the true loves in my life took his own life. First hearing about it sent me into a very strange space. We didn't end on the best of terms so for a while I was numb. I couldn't feel anything. I didn't know how to feel. I didn't want to feel anything.
I've never lost someone so close to me since my cousin in 2003, and I've never lost someone the way I lost my ex. For a long time I couldn't cry about it, it didn't feel real. Then one random night when I had too much to drink and too much to smoke and was alone with my thoughts the wave I had missed hit me. I slid to the floor in my bathroom and balled like a baby for 30 minutes.
My body shook, my makeup ran into my eyes and blinded me. My heart felt like it exploded inside my chest. I had no idea I was that sad about it. Until that moment.
I wished he had known he could've talked to me. That I would have been there for him regardless of our history. I wished he wouldn't have felt so alone. I wished I could've been there to show him that his life was worth living.
I'm trippin' it been so long. I still think about him every so often. I remember him vividly and purely. I cringe recalling our fights, I smile recalling the good times.
Sometimes I'm angry. I sometimes feel that those around him were ignoring the signs, that they should've helped him. But I can't place blame in anyone for what happened.
He meant a lot to me. He lost himself somewhere no one could reach him. He isolated himself so deeply no one could bring him back to himself and the remarkable person he was.
I wish I would've known. Wish there was something I could've said to keep him here. Now all I can do is remember him. Sometimes it's the remembering that hurts the most.
Jamz
Last year my ex, one of the true loves in my life took his own life. First hearing about it sent me into a very strange space. We didn't end on the best of terms so for a while I was numb. I couldn't feel anything. I didn't know how to feel. I didn't want to feel anything.
I've never lost someone so close to me since my cousin in 2003, and I've never lost someone the way I lost my ex. For a long time I couldn't cry about it, it didn't feel real. Then one random night when I had too much to drink and too much to smoke and was alone with my thoughts the wave I had missed hit me. I slid to the floor in my bathroom and balled like a baby for 30 minutes.
My body shook, my makeup ran into my eyes and blinded me. My heart felt like it exploded inside my chest. I had no idea I was that sad about it. Until that moment.
I wished he had known he could've talked to me. That I would have been there for him regardless of our history. I wished he wouldn't have felt so alone. I wished I could've been there to show him that his life was worth living.
I'm trippin' it been so long. I still think about him every so often. I remember him vividly and purely. I cringe recalling our fights, I smile recalling the good times.
Sometimes I'm angry. I sometimes feel that those around him were ignoring the signs, that they should've helped him. But I can't place blame in anyone for what happened.
He meant a lot to me. He lost himself somewhere no one could reach him. He isolated himself so deeply no one could bring him back to himself and the remarkable person he was.
I wish I would've known. Wish there was something I could've said to keep him here. Now all I can do is remember him. Sometimes it's the remembering that hurts the most.
Jamz
NWEE: Doing The Most
We all see it when it happens. We often yell profanities at our phones or roll our eyes in disapproval at the folks who are often repeat offenders of "doing the most".
1. Females always seem to want to declare that they're "tatted". I'm not trying to diss anyone in particular but in all honesty, everybody got tattoos now. Why certain females do the most to let people know they're tatted is beyond me. We can see a picture of you, having the word "tatted" in your name or announcing it in your bio is not the most necessary thing in the world. This is mostly applicable to the girls who barely have enough ink to be considered "tatted" in the first place. But whatever.
2. Dudes and the overly lonely tweets. I've got this one dude in particular on my timeline who is always tweeting how women don't know what they want, how he's a good man, how any girl would be lucky to have him etc. He goes on daily rants about the standards he has set for the woman he would make his lady. Tweets pictures desperately seeking approval, "ladies what do you think?" and thirst traps females with photos of himself with his daughter. I'm sure he's not the only guy who does this but half the time I don't know whether to laugh or feel bad for him.
3. Sad girl tweets are another thing which get borderline irritating. We're all entitled to our bad days, our moments of weakness and the need to express ourselves. I've had a couple sad girl days on twitter. However I vent mostly to get the thoughts out and resolve with myself. Some girls do it simply for the pity party they hope twitter will throw for them. They give us too much information or continue their rant just a bit too long to be taken seriously. We want to feel sorry for them but at some point we run out of sympathy when we see they're dragging out the issue and digging for consolation. Got an issue? Here's a tissue.
4. The man whore is another dude whose antics on the Internet tire us out. He's a never ending RTer of compliments from various females and cockiness which usually comes from being good looking or being the asshole women love. He gets away with being disrespectful and judgmental to females because for every one he is a total dick to, there are a hoard of others who swear the sun rises and sets with him. He's the guy who is always topless in his avi, loves to twitpic himself with his tongue out or pouty, carefully moisturized lips and bedroom eyes. He's overtly sexual but is rarely called thirsty because he nor the mindless women who love him think a good looking man can be considered such.
5. Bitter bitches get my last slot because they really ain't shit. These girls are the ones that are still salty about something that happened too long ago. They have no more reason to be upset and it they absolutely refuse to let the issue go. They complain for weeks and months, they subtweet and exhaust themselves trying to make the world as upset as they are. They literally are the misery seeking company on twitter. Can't blame them since they'll find plenty of like-minded folks to be mad with. Bravo. Twitter is your world you bored bitch.
The Articulate Bitch
1. Females always seem to want to declare that they're "tatted". I'm not trying to diss anyone in particular but in all honesty, everybody got tattoos now. Why certain females do the most to let people know they're tatted is beyond me. We can see a picture of you, having the word "tatted" in your name or announcing it in your bio is not the most necessary thing in the world. This is mostly applicable to the girls who barely have enough ink to be considered "tatted" in the first place. But whatever.
2. Dudes and the overly lonely tweets. I've got this one dude in particular on my timeline who is always tweeting how women don't know what they want, how he's a good man, how any girl would be lucky to have him etc. He goes on daily rants about the standards he has set for the woman he would make his lady. Tweets pictures desperately seeking approval, "ladies what do you think?" and thirst traps females with photos of himself with his daughter. I'm sure he's not the only guy who does this but half the time I don't know whether to laugh or feel bad for him.
3. Sad girl tweets are another thing which get borderline irritating. We're all entitled to our bad days, our moments of weakness and the need to express ourselves. I've had a couple sad girl days on twitter. However I vent mostly to get the thoughts out and resolve with myself. Some girls do it simply for the pity party they hope twitter will throw for them. They give us too much information or continue their rant just a bit too long to be taken seriously. We want to feel sorry for them but at some point we run out of sympathy when we see they're dragging out the issue and digging for consolation. Got an issue? Here's a tissue.
4. The man whore is another dude whose antics on the Internet tire us out. He's a never ending RTer of compliments from various females and cockiness which usually comes from being good looking or being the asshole women love. He gets away with being disrespectful and judgmental to females because for every one he is a total dick to, there are a hoard of others who swear the sun rises and sets with him. He's the guy who is always topless in his avi, loves to twitpic himself with his tongue out or pouty, carefully moisturized lips and bedroom eyes. He's overtly sexual but is rarely called thirsty because he nor the mindless women who love him think a good looking man can be considered such.
5. Bitter bitches get my last slot because they really ain't shit. These girls are the ones that are still salty about something that happened too long ago. They have no more reason to be upset and it they absolutely refuse to let the issue go. They complain for weeks and months, they subtweet and exhaust themselves trying to make the world as upset as they are. They literally are the misery seeking company on twitter. Can't blame them since they'll find plenty of like-minded folks to be mad with. Bravo. Twitter is your world you bored bitch.
The Articulate Bitch
The Dude Spectrum
So I'm sittin' here smoking an pondering on more than a few things that have been bothering me lately, which turned into me having an internal conversation with myself, which turned into me coming to a few conclusions, which turned into this blog post. I'm high so this may or may not be formal sounding like I normally do.
It's no secret there are different classes of females. Perhaps "class" isn't the right word, let's say "title" instead. We've all heard and read the titles different females hold in any particular dude's life: Main, side, fuck friend, home girl, ex girl etc. Well. That's cool, because it's 100% true. However, have you niggaz ever thought to yourself: "wait. If I gave her a title, what title do I hold?"
No. I bet you think only a hoe would put the men in her life in slots the way a man would. Well, welcome to the hell of 2012 gentlemen.
The first gentleman on the list is the fuck friend aka Dick On Demand. Pretty self explanatory by his title, the DOD is a rare thing amongst women. Most females aren't socially comfortable admitting they have a friend just for the purpose of sex. They want feelings and emotions and commitment and yadda yadda yadda. I get it, fucking someone who isn't your boyfriend is terrible and reprehensible and every woman who does it should be burned at the steak like the dick hungry heathen she is. Right? Okay then. Moving on.
Next we have the boyfriend. Ah, this gentleman is fantastic. He's in limbo between being a HIM and being a "hubby". We can also call this gentleman a "man". He's the dude you put the box on reserve for. He gets the best of you and hopefully he deserves it. He's the one you kiss on the lips, make breakfast for, giggle and hold hands in public with. Y'all haven't been together long enough to be in love but you're both highly smitten and infatuated with each other. He probably treats you awesome but may slip up from time to time, which is a sticky situation. See, y'all not in love so your position is not guaranteed if any one of these females presents him with something better. Boyfriends require the most work because you have to show them everyday why they should be with you. The relationship is still fragile.
Next we have the ex boyfriend you're not over. Oh, we hate this nigga the most. He thinks the sun shines out his ass. You still have deep feelings for him which either annoy they shot outta you or make you do stupid things you always end up regretting. The usual is the latter. For some reason these dudes are the hardest to let go of, mostly because they won't let you go either. Y'all may even still fuck, pretending it's just sex even though you're secretly still not done with them and hoping they'll decide to give it another go.
Who's next? We have the most notorious and most mysterious dude on any list: the HIM. A HIM is a dude who you show some favor to. He comes in many degrees of HIMness, ranging from a crush to a borderline boyfriend. One thing must be remembered about HIMs, they are so-called because they are anonymous. They can't be named because they can't be claimed. We share these HIMs. Until he holds a boyfriend or hubby title he is and should steadily be called HIM. He is called HIM: Her Imaginary Man. Either he's a fictitious man made up by a lonely female or a dude that just can't be claimed as yet. Either way never assume a HIM controls everything, he doesn't have that pull yet and perhaps never will depending on the progression of the relationship.
The home boy has it the hardest. He's the dude who has been friend zoned (if you believe in that). He's the shoulder to cry on, the faithful, platonic testosterone. Girls will deny it, but this dude is also the emergency dick. He's that dude on the bench who plays his position patiently waiting for when the starting lineup fucks up. He's very important though, because he will often give decent advice if he's not trying to fuck you on any given day.
The final and most highly acclaimed dude is the hubby, of course. He's the be all and end all of the men. He eliminates the need for all the other dudes on this list because he is every man in one. He's the home boy you fuck like the fuck friend, the HIM you can claim as you boyfriend/man. This is the dude you've put time in with, fought and done comfortable shit with. He's the dude that gets morning head and pays bills. He gets the presidential treatment. He's your king. This man is valued and cherished, loved and adored. He's the one you wake up and go to sleep thinking about or next to.
Every man holds his place and is valuable in his position, but the art is in knowing which man is worth which position. Don't confuse a HIM for a hubby or a home boy for a fuck friend. Crossing the wrong lines with the wrong dude will lead to confusion and heartbreak. So choose wisely.
So fellas... Which dude are you?
The Articulate Bitch
It's no secret there are different classes of females. Perhaps "class" isn't the right word, let's say "title" instead. We've all heard and read the titles different females hold in any particular dude's life: Main, side, fuck friend, home girl, ex girl etc. Well. That's cool, because it's 100% true. However, have you niggaz ever thought to yourself: "wait. If I gave her a title, what title do I hold?"
No. I bet you think only a hoe would put the men in her life in slots the way a man would. Well, welcome to the hell of 2012 gentlemen.
The first gentleman on the list is the fuck friend aka Dick On Demand. Pretty self explanatory by his title, the DOD is a rare thing amongst women. Most females aren't socially comfortable admitting they have a friend just for the purpose of sex. They want feelings and emotions and commitment and yadda yadda yadda. I get it, fucking someone who isn't your boyfriend is terrible and reprehensible and every woman who does it should be burned at the steak like the dick hungry heathen she is. Right? Okay then. Moving on.
Next we have the boyfriend. Ah, this gentleman is fantastic. He's in limbo between being a HIM and being a "hubby". We can also call this gentleman a "man". He's the dude you put the box on reserve for. He gets the best of you and hopefully he deserves it. He's the one you kiss on the lips, make breakfast for, giggle and hold hands in public with. Y'all haven't been together long enough to be in love but you're both highly smitten and infatuated with each other. He probably treats you awesome but may slip up from time to time, which is a sticky situation. See, y'all not in love so your position is not guaranteed if any one of these females presents him with something better. Boyfriends require the most work because you have to show them everyday why they should be with you. The relationship is still fragile.
Next we have the ex boyfriend you're not over. Oh, we hate this nigga the most. He thinks the sun shines out his ass. You still have deep feelings for him which either annoy they shot outta you or make you do stupid things you always end up regretting. The usual is the latter. For some reason these dudes are the hardest to let go of, mostly because they won't let you go either. Y'all may even still fuck, pretending it's just sex even though you're secretly still not done with them and hoping they'll decide to give it another go.
Who's next? We have the most notorious and most mysterious dude on any list: the HIM. A HIM is a dude who you show some favor to. He comes in many degrees of HIMness, ranging from a crush to a borderline boyfriend. One thing must be remembered about HIMs, they are so-called because they are anonymous. They can't be named because they can't be claimed. We share these HIMs. Until he holds a boyfriend or hubby title he is and should steadily be called HIM. He is called HIM: Her Imaginary Man. Either he's a fictitious man made up by a lonely female or a dude that just can't be claimed as yet. Either way never assume a HIM controls everything, he doesn't have that pull yet and perhaps never will depending on the progression of the relationship.
The home boy has it the hardest. He's the dude who has been friend zoned (if you believe in that). He's the shoulder to cry on, the faithful, platonic testosterone. Girls will deny it, but this dude is also the emergency dick. He's that dude on the bench who plays his position patiently waiting for when the starting lineup fucks up. He's very important though, because he will often give decent advice if he's not trying to fuck you on any given day.
The final and most highly acclaimed dude is the hubby, of course. He's the be all and end all of the men. He eliminates the need for all the other dudes on this list because he is every man in one. He's the home boy you fuck like the fuck friend, the HIM you can claim as you boyfriend/man. This is the dude you've put time in with, fought and done comfortable shit with. He's the dude that gets morning head and pays bills. He gets the presidential treatment. He's your king. This man is valued and cherished, loved and adored. He's the one you wake up and go to sleep thinking about or next to.
Every man holds his place and is valuable in his position, but the art is in knowing which man is worth which position. Don't confuse a HIM for a hubby or a home boy for a fuck friend. Crossing the wrong lines with the wrong dude will lead to confusion and heartbreak. So choose wisely.
So fellas... Which dude are you?
The Articulate Bitch
RIP My Mentions
So it happens all the time on twitter, someone does or says one thing or another, the wrong person (or right person depending on who you are) retweets it in disagreement and the flood gates open to mockery from all sides.
It's happened, now twice, to me and lord if you don't have a sense of humor or a tough skin the shit will eat you alive. Had this kind of forum for mass point-and-laugh been around before with the potential to spread as fast as twitter, my self esteem may have seen the end of me long ago.
Well once my mentions calmed the fuck down I had a chance to actually see what people were saying, and I was actually pretty appalled.
It started with a twitpic of my unfinished Hennessy tribute tattoo (I like Hennessy... A lot). Black twitter got ahold of it and believe me it was a sad wrap after that. Most people had comments I was prepared to read since the day I laid on the table for the two hours of meticulous work. I always knew there was a possibility for this to happen so honestly I wasn't surprised. You can't please everyone, and unless you know me personally, know my personality and know the context of the tattoo... Yeah it's a royally moronic thing to have on my skin forever. Absolutely.
However, beyond the banter I expected came some unnecessary comments in the form of personal attacks. I don't mind that some people think it was a stupid or ratchet tattoo to get, that's okay with me. But I lost count of the "kill yourself" tweets after 15. Seems like overkill if you ask me. But who am I? I drink Hennessy.
A lot of happiness comes from being able to laugh at yourself. I got this tattoo for the sake of the irony, for one, and because quite simply... I wanted it lol. I said to both my friend and my tattoo artist, " oh god they're going to roast me alive for this one," and I was right. But you know what? I still love my tattoo.
So for those who called me a stupid bitch or a ratchet hoe or whatever form of degradation you chose, I ask you; after reading this do I sound like an unintelligent female? Do I sound like someone who is ghetto-ridden for life with no chance of success based on what I choose to ink on my skin? If your answer is still yes, well there's also this....
I'm sorry I didn't have a tattoo of an ex boyfriend's name for you to praise and call me a ride-or-die for. Or a religious tattoo which in itself is an oxymoron. My bad I don't have prayer hands or rosary beads or a crucifix with "only god can judge me" declared above. I'm so sorry I didn't have a child with some nigga I'm tried to trap and tattooed their name on me. Sorry I'm not into (and I say this as a generalization) the classic "black girl" tattoos. I'm into originality and art (Shoutout the tatted white girls who know what that means). I'm a tattoo enthusiast. It's art based on passion. You only get tattooed what you love and what means something. I didn't do it to declare "I'm tatted" like many people do. Tattoos aren't meant to make you "cool" they're meant to show you're passionate about what's on your skin. Sorry, I'm preaching the gospel. Didn't mean to.
Sounds like I'm reacting lol I know. But for anyone who has had their mentions destroyed the way mine were (lol destroyed would be an understatement) just know you're not the first and you won't be the last Today for me, tomorrow for someone else.
Now I've gotta be great just to shut people up. Fantastic. *sigh* lol
The Articulate Bitch
Sunday 11 November 2012
Mawga Gyal
When my dear twitter homie @BUMBOCLAWT said she wanted to write a post about body image, I gladly offered a platform. I had no idea she would take this angle on it and after reading it I was so glad she did (clearly because I can relate). Big girls aren't the only ones with body issues. Let me introduce a perspective you may not have ever considered before; that of the "mawga gyal". Enjoy.
First and foremost, I will have you all know that I think the whole debate of beauty is bullshit. To me, anyone who’s confident, whether they have DD’s or A cup… a six pack or a bang belly is sexy.
If we all look back, I think the majority of us can agree that the whole idea of beauty has changed significantly throughout the past few decades. Back in the 90’s females just had to look… well… they just had to look natural, shit. Girls were even shaving their heads left, right and center and were still considered sexy. Now that’s only cool because Amber Rose brought it back. You didn’t need to have big breasts, or an ass that could be used as a floatation device. You could just be you, and being you was good enough.
But hey, welcome to the new world. Where you gotta have a flat stomach, big tits, a fat ass, and curly hair down your back to be considered “beautiful.”
I hear the debate of thick versus fat almost everyday since being thick is “in”. But watch out… because once you’re “fat” people will be lined up to tell you about yourself. Especially over the Internet.
Bigger girls often get slandered on a daily basis, which is sadly expected from our society. But with all this mix up and blem blem concerning bigger girls, people are forgetting there’s a whole other body type that gets it almost everyday.
Ladies and gentleman, I introduce you to the “skinny” girl or “mawga” gyal… if you will.
First of all, I hate the term “skinny” or “mawga”. Shit sounds like you haven’t eaten for weeks and your ribs could be played like a xylophone. The amount of times in my life I’ve heard: “How yuh suh mawga?... Yuh muss eat more” and “Oh my god, how are you so skinny, you eat so much?”… I could not even tell you. And slim girls, I know you feel my pain. People stay asking these “how are you so skinny” questions as if I have some type of answer for them.
Stressing the fact that someone has a small body frame is NOT a compliment. Neither is insisting that they need to eat more.
So… like bitch. Get the fuck out of here, please.
Have these comments had an affect on my self-esteem? Absolutely. A few years ago, a comment like that is all it would take to make me feel horrible about myself for the rest of the week, but I grew up. And through life experience, grew into a confident, strong woman.
Do these comments still bother me? Well… they definitely don’t affect my self-esteem, but are they annoying? HELL YES!
When people make comments about body weight or size, do they consider the fact that their comments aren’t going to add 5lbs to my thighs? Calling me skinny isn’t going to give me a fatter ass or bigger breasts. So what’s the point?
At the end of the day, guess what? We live in a DIVERSE world. People come in all shapes and sizes and none is more attractive than another. So grow up.
It’s taken a while, but I love myself… everything about myself. From my body to my personality. Of course I still have my days from time to time where I feel ugly or feel gross but that’s life. At the end of the day I’m confident with myself. And no matter my size, or if I lose weight randomly or gain five pounds from that Big Mac combo … guess what? I am beautiful.
So to all my slim chicks out there, first things first. You have got to be able to look in the mirror find yourself beautiful. You have to be confident in your own skin. Don’t only EMBRACE your small frame but LOVE it. Next thing, if someone doesn’t love you for each and every inch of tininess on your body then let them know that they always have the option to turn their face the other way.
Sounds cliché to say, but I don’t give a fuck cause its true. If one person doesn’t find you beautiful, then someone else will.
Oh, and to all of you who continuously make the “oh she’s so mawga” comments. You know what you do when you see a slim chick? You get the fuck over it and move on with your day.
Unless someone you care about has a serious problem with their weight, and your commentary will ultimately have a positive effect on their life… then girl, bye.
And that’s just what the fuck it is,
BUMBOCLAWT
First and foremost, I will have you all know that I think the whole debate of beauty is bullshit. To me, anyone who’s confident, whether they have DD’s or A cup… a six pack or a bang belly is sexy.
If we all look back, I think the majority of us can agree that the whole idea of beauty has changed significantly throughout the past few decades. Back in the 90’s females just had to look… well… they just had to look natural, shit. Girls were even shaving their heads left, right and center and were still considered sexy. Now that’s only cool because Amber Rose brought it back. You didn’t need to have big breasts, or an ass that could be used as a floatation device. You could just be you, and being you was good enough.
But hey, welcome to the new world. Where you gotta have a flat stomach, big tits, a fat ass, and curly hair down your back to be considered “beautiful.”
I hear the debate of thick versus fat almost everyday since being thick is “in”. But watch out… because once you’re “fat” people will be lined up to tell you about yourself. Especially over the Internet.
Bigger girls often get slandered on a daily basis, which is sadly expected from our society. But with all this mix up and blem blem concerning bigger girls, people are forgetting there’s a whole other body type that gets it almost everyday.
Ladies and gentleman, I introduce you to the “skinny” girl or “mawga” gyal… if you will.
First of all, I hate the term “skinny” or “mawga”. Shit sounds like you haven’t eaten for weeks and your ribs could be played like a xylophone. The amount of times in my life I’ve heard: “How yuh suh mawga?... Yuh muss eat more” and “Oh my god, how are you so skinny, you eat so much?”… I could not even tell you. And slim girls, I know you feel my pain. People stay asking these “how are you so skinny” questions as if I have some type of answer for them.
Stressing the fact that someone has a small body frame is NOT a compliment. Neither is insisting that they need to eat more.
So… like bitch. Get the fuck out of here, please.
Have these comments had an affect on my self-esteem? Absolutely. A few years ago, a comment like that is all it would take to make me feel horrible about myself for the rest of the week, but I grew up. And through life experience, grew into a confident, strong woman.
Do these comments still bother me? Well… they definitely don’t affect my self-esteem, but are they annoying? HELL YES!
When people make comments about body weight or size, do they consider the fact that their comments aren’t going to add 5lbs to my thighs? Calling me skinny isn’t going to give me a fatter ass or bigger breasts. So what’s the point?
At the end of the day, guess what? We live in a DIVERSE world. People come in all shapes and sizes and none is more attractive than another. So grow up.
It’s taken a while, but I love myself… everything about myself. From my body to my personality. Of course I still have my days from time to time where I feel ugly or feel gross but that’s life. At the end of the day I’m confident with myself. And no matter my size, or if I lose weight randomly or gain five pounds from that Big Mac combo … guess what? I am beautiful.
So to all my slim chicks out there, first things first. You have got to be able to look in the mirror find yourself beautiful. You have to be confident in your own skin. Don’t only EMBRACE your small frame but LOVE it. Next thing, if someone doesn’t love you for each and every inch of tininess on your body then let them know that they always have the option to turn their face the other way.
Sounds cliché to say, but I don’t give a fuck cause its true. If one person doesn’t find you beautiful, then someone else will.
Oh, and to all of you who continuously make the “oh she’s so mawga” comments. You know what you do when you see a slim chick? You get the fuck over it and move on with your day.
Unless someone you care about has a serious problem with their weight, and your commentary will ultimately have a positive effect on their life… then girl, bye.
And that’s just what the fuck it is,
BUMBOCLAWT
Saturday 10 November 2012
Louis Belt: No Bus Fare
Ladies, you ever fuck with a nigga and don't find out he's a bum until its too late? Well here is yet another embarrassing story from my vaults. Enjoy, and don't judge me. I'm doing better, I promise.
So when I was in high school and light skin niggaz were poppin', I used to talk to this real cute light skin nigga. I'm talkin' real crush like. He played me to the left a couple times so I stopped fuckin' with him.
Years later we randomly meet up in the old hood (I was having a cute day, trust me) and he got this stuck on stupid face lookin' at me, talmbout "you look so different than I remember. You still look good though blah blah blah,".
So, remembering how he played me before, I was in no rush to end up in the same situation as before. Not to mention I wasn't feelin' light skin niggaz at all the second time around. But not wanting to miss out on something that was possibly meant to be, I entertained a little chitter chatter.
Before I get into the real shit, know this: nigga had a job and a vehicle, yeah he still lived at home but 2 outta 3 ain't bad.
So one day he comes to check me. Takes me out, nothing hectic we killed 2 pounds of wings and a couple beers. So I roll a blunt (my crib, my blunt, my weed) we smoke, it's getting late so y'all know where my head is at.
Wam bam thank you ma'am, dick was great and I'm back to smokin', naked in my sheets bumpin' Diplomatic Immunity. It's Thursday and I'm expecting Trap back home any minute so we can head to Wetbar. I look over and notice this nigga is hella comfortable smokin' my spliff n shit.
Trap calls me tellin' me she's on her way home, I say "cool, I'll see you soon," and make it mad obvious I got places to go that night. Nigga still chillin'. I'm thinkin' "whatever, he'll probably leave when I'm leaving, worst case scenario,".
I hop in the shower, then hop out. This nigga still chillin'. Now I'm thinking this nigga wanna stay over, and trust me that was NOT happening so I ask him. Where he parked. He tells me he didn't drive. Cool. I live downtown, lots of people prefer to park at a subway and take the train into the city. No prob. But then, he asks me, straight faced, looking me in my eyes: "So yo, can you send me some bus fare?"
....
....
....
Yeah. Nigga was sittin' on my bed in wearin' a goddamn Louis Vuitton belt and had the NERVE.... Lemme stop.
I swear to you, I didn't know what to do it say. I wanted to laugh, screwface, cuss him out... All kinds. So me, being the asshole I am, I tell him I can't help him. Knowing damn well I have about 2 bills in my purse. I sat there and watched him sweat tryin' to figure out how he was gettin' home.
Got dressed, did my makeup, did my hair, Trap walks in (I had already texted her the story) and she jumps in the shower. So not wanting to keep this dude in my crib any longer I hand him a five without even a hint of a smile and show him to the door.
Yup. Cry for him.
The Articulate Bitch
So when I was in high school and light skin niggaz were poppin', I used to talk to this real cute light skin nigga. I'm talkin' real crush like. He played me to the left a couple times so I stopped fuckin' with him.
Years later we randomly meet up in the old hood (I was having a cute day, trust me) and he got this stuck on stupid face lookin' at me, talmbout "you look so different than I remember. You still look good though blah blah blah,".
So, remembering how he played me before, I was in no rush to end up in the same situation as before. Not to mention I wasn't feelin' light skin niggaz at all the second time around. But not wanting to miss out on something that was possibly meant to be, I entertained a little chitter chatter.
Before I get into the real shit, know this: nigga had a job and a vehicle, yeah he still lived at home but 2 outta 3 ain't bad.
So one day he comes to check me. Takes me out, nothing hectic we killed 2 pounds of wings and a couple beers. So I roll a blunt (my crib, my blunt, my weed) we smoke, it's getting late so y'all know where my head is at.
Wam bam thank you ma'am, dick was great and I'm back to smokin', naked in my sheets bumpin' Diplomatic Immunity. It's Thursday and I'm expecting Trap back home any minute so we can head to Wetbar. I look over and notice this nigga is hella comfortable smokin' my spliff n shit.
Trap calls me tellin' me she's on her way home, I say "cool, I'll see you soon," and make it mad obvious I got places to go that night. Nigga still chillin'. I'm thinkin' "whatever, he'll probably leave when I'm leaving, worst case scenario,".
I hop in the shower, then hop out. This nigga still chillin'. Now I'm thinking this nigga wanna stay over, and trust me that was NOT happening so I ask him. Where he parked. He tells me he didn't drive. Cool. I live downtown, lots of people prefer to park at a subway and take the train into the city. No prob. But then, he asks me, straight faced, looking me in my eyes: "So yo, can you send me some bus fare?"
....
....
....
Yeah. Nigga was sittin' on my bed in wearin' a goddamn Louis Vuitton belt and had the NERVE.... Lemme stop.
I swear to you, I didn't know what to do it say. I wanted to laugh, screwface, cuss him out... All kinds. So me, being the asshole I am, I tell him I can't help him. Knowing damn well I have about 2 bills in my purse. I sat there and watched him sweat tryin' to figure out how he was gettin' home.
Got dressed, did my makeup, did my hair, Trap walks in (I had already texted her the story) and she jumps in the shower. So not wanting to keep this dude in my crib any longer I hand him a five without even a hint of a smile and show him to the door.
Yup. Cry for him.
The Articulate Bitch
Trust Issues: Loyalty is Dead
In the past year when discussing the triumphs of recently successful people, I found much emphasis on the concept of strength in numbers. Whether we're talking about having a team of supportive folks urging you forward to new heights, or a squad working with you to realize your goals, or having just one partner to hold you down as you conquer your world on your own, loyalty is always held in high esteem. Or... At least it once was.
Let's be real, how many of us can claim to be loyal? Oh, all of y'all, huh? What about when your loyalty is tested? Will you uphold or crumble?
Relationship loyalty is generally a no-brainer of sorts. Most think being faithful is the extent of loyalty. Yeah, that's real cute. Loyalty goes far beyond committing your fuck parts to one person. Loyalty is in the trials, the tribulations, the shouting matches and tears. Loyalty is in the tests and stress of a relationship. I saw it quoted that a woman's loyalty is tested when a man has nothing and a man's loyalty is tested when he has everything. It's easy to be loyal when you are getting everything you've ever wanted, or when the best thing in your life is already yours. But when the struggle is real, or when temptation is in abundance, your loyalty is not only tested but comes into question. Most people can not handle their loyalty being tested, so they give in, they falter, they slip. Often times there is no way to recover.
Team loyalty is often the strongest because it relies on the strength of many to be strong. It is based upon a group having the same desires and motives to reach individual and collective goals. Rappers are a perfect example of this. Every rapper has a crew behind him (with the exception of very few such as Nipsy Hustle). TDE, ASAP, MMG, YMCMB, OVO, XO, Taylor Gang, Coke Boys, G Unit, Rocafella, Dipset, DBlock, Wu Tang Klan etc.. Seeking strength in numbers is no mere coincidence in the music industry. An industry with a reputation for bringing out the most deplorable, back-stabbing, fugayzi behavior out of otherwise genuine, upstanding and real people. Seeing disloyal behavior in these groups is depressing. Why? Because we hold them in high esteem hoping they will be the examples we want them to be. They're constantly in view so we secretly hope they show us that loyalty is not a façade. Instead the end up being the example of how friendships, business partners and alliances get fucked up.
Friendship loyalty has become nothing more than an urban legend. A naive myth we believe in because we are taught to. Females have to worst time with this it seems. I don't know a single female who hasn't said "I don't like/fuck with/have girl friends". It's a sad thing but nonetheless a reality of the times. I'm not even sure how to expand on this. Truth is, and believe me I've reflected deeply on this, of all the friendships I've had and lost, I can't say I was responsible for the demise of any (I have a post dedicated to these friendships so stay tuned). But what I will say is that from an outside perspective on many other friendships, jealousy is usually the cause of a betrayal proving their disloyalty. With females it's usually a nigga who sets in motion a chain of events that sends the already fragile dynamic crumbling. In the end girls always say "I'm not even fighting over him," which may be true, but the rift started because of him so ether way, you take the L.
Yet still, there are those who feel loyalty is OWED to them. Never. Loyalty is like respect and money, it is worked for and earned. No one owes you loyalty without you first deserving it.
The Articulate Bitch
Let's be real, how many of us can claim to be loyal? Oh, all of y'all, huh? What about when your loyalty is tested? Will you uphold or crumble?
Relationship loyalty is generally a no-brainer of sorts. Most think being faithful is the extent of loyalty. Yeah, that's real cute. Loyalty goes far beyond committing your fuck parts to one person. Loyalty is in the trials, the tribulations, the shouting matches and tears. Loyalty is in the tests and stress of a relationship. I saw it quoted that a woman's loyalty is tested when a man has nothing and a man's loyalty is tested when he has everything. It's easy to be loyal when you are getting everything you've ever wanted, or when the best thing in your life is already yours. But when the struggle is real, or when temptation is in abundance, your loyalty is not only tested but comes into question. Most people can not handle their loyalty being tested, so they give in, they falter, they slip. Often times there is no way to recover.
Team loyalty is often the strongest because it relies on the strength of many to be strong. It is based upon a group having the same desires and motives to reach individual and collective goals. Rappers are a perfect example of this. Every rapper has a crew behind him (with the exception of very few such as Nipsy Hustle). TDE, ASAP, MMG, YMCMB, OVO, XO, Taylor Gang, Coke Boys, G Unit, Rocafella, Dipset, DBlock, Wu Tang Klan etc.. Seeking strength in numbers is no mere coincidence in the music industry. An industry with a reputation for bringing out the most deplorable, back-stabbing, fugayzi behavior out of otherwise genuine, upstanding and real people. Seeing disloyal behavior in these groups is depressing. Why? Because we hold them in high esteem hoping they will be the examples we want them to be. They're constantly in view so we secretly hope they show us that loyalty is not a façade. Instead the end up being the example of how friendships, business partners and alliances get fucked up.
Friendship loyalty has become nothing more than an urban legend. A naive myth we believe in because we are taught to. Females have to worst time with this it seems. I don't know a single female who hasn't said "I don't like/fuck with/have girl friends". It's a sad thing but nonetheless a reality of the times. I'm not even sure how to expand on this. Truth is, and believe me I've reflected deeply on this, of all the friendships I've had and lost, I can't say I was responsible for the demise of any (I have a post dedicated to these friendships so stay tuned). But what I will say is that from an outside perspective on many other friendships, jealousy is usually the cause of a betrayal proving their disloyalty. With females it's usually a nigga who sets in motion a chain of events that sends the already fragile dynamic crumbling. In the end girls always say "I'm not even fighting over him," which may be true, but the rift started because of him so ether way, you take the L.
Yet still, there are those who feel loyalty is OWED to them. Never. Loyalty is like respect and money, it is worked for and earned. No one owes you loyalty without you first deserving it.
The Articulate Bitch
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