I've told myself many times that I would write this post. It's been written and deleted, revised and edited, drafted and scrapped so many times. But I haven't spoken on this since... Well in a long time. It's going to be cryptic and poetic at times but bear with me. I really need to get this out.
Last year my ex, one of the true loves in my life took his own life. First hearing about it sent me into a very strange space. We didn't end on the best of terms so for a while I was numb. I couldn't feel anything. I didn't know how to feel. I didn't want to feel anything.
I've never lost someone so close to me since my cousin in 2003, and I've never lost someone the way I lost my ex. For a long time I couldn't cry about it, it didn't feel real. Then one random night when I had too much to drink and too much to smoke and was alone with my thoughts the wave I had missed hit me. I slid to the floor in my bathroom and balled like a baby for 30 minutes.
My body shook, my makeup ran into my eyes and blinded me. My heart felt like it exploded inside my chest. I had no idea I was that sad about it. Until that moment.
I wished he had known he could've talked to me. That I would have been there for him regardless of our history. I wished he wouldn't have felt so alone. I wished I could've been there to show him that his life was worth living.
I'm trippin' it been so long. I still think about him every so often. I remember him vividly and purely. I cringe recalling our fights, I smile recalling the good times.
Sometimes I'm angry. I sometimes feel that those around him were ignoring the signs, that they should've helped him. But I can't place blame in anyone for what happened.
He meant a lot to me. He lost himself somewhere no one could reach him. He isolated himself so deeply no one could bring him back to himself and the remarkable person he was.
I wish I would've known. Wish there was something I could've said to keep him here. Now all I can do is remember him. Sometimes it's the remembering that hurts the most.
Jamz
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