Damn right I'm judging. I'm diving right the fuck into this post.
Clearly, as you can see, I am a black girl. My mother is quite on the afrocentric side, natural hair, organic materials, cowry shells, etc. Growing up, both my parents instilled a sense of black pride that I think many children lacked at that age. All my dolls were black. My Barbies were black, my fairy tale books had black princesses and black prince charmings and I even had a black children's Bible. I went to black focus tutor groups and after school programs. I had natural hair or braids all the way up to junior high school and didn't learn about weave until high school (blame brampton). Up until high school I only had a few black female friends. We were scarce in my neighborhood, which was super diverse (I grew up knowing about so many other cultures which was a blessing, trust me).
Then BOOM culture shock when I moved to Brampton with my dad and his wife. I had never seen so many niggaz in my life. Plus I met a whole new breed of female: the stereotypical black girl. The weave wearing, long fake nail having, loud talking, no manners having type black girl. The only place I had seen girls like these was visiting my mother in Florida (Broward & Dade county, wuddup) but this Canadianized version was something new.
For a while I just tried to fit in with them. Then I discovered that just wasn't me, and I found myself. But while in that world and experiencing that life I learned a lot. Some things I liked, but most things I REALLY didn't. Clearly, I'm not speaking about EVERY black girl. Sadly, I'm speaking about MANY of them. I like lists. So here's the run down:
1. Blame game - nothing is ever their fault. They always want to blame shit on some factor they can't control. "It's because I'm black!" or something similar. Never taking responsibility. It's pathetic.
2. PDA - Public displays of aggression are classic black girl behavior. Someone looks at them wrong, it's a fucking SCENE. They carry on so outlandishly it's embarrassing to watch in all honesty. Why? Well because right away I'm getting the same glares this ratchet chick is, just because we share similar skin tones.
3. Stare down - black girls are totally compelled to take a look at the next black girl. This wouldn't be a problem if they were innocent glances accompanied by a smile, but they're looks of disapproval nearly always followed by some rude comment just out of earshot.
4. Keeping up appearances - I can't tell anyone how to dress. I didn't buy your clothes so that's totally on you. But just know that how you look is often how you will be treated. Is it right? No, but you can't complain about being judged if all you do is judge. Stop getting your panties in a bunch and getting rowdy in public when people are staring at you in your hot pink lacefront, and Keylolo-esque demeanor. You look like a circus act so yeah... They're waiting for you to do a trick.
5. Cock fight - black girls are the reigning queens of fighting over men. SHUTTUP! JUST SHUTTUP 'CAUSE YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE! We act like total fools for the sake of some nigga who is fucking both (or all) of the girls carrying on stupid over him. We call the other girl, throw subs on the internet, walk out pon a gyal or whatever those girls say. It's deplorable behavior that it seems we ebony queens excel at.
As fantastic and beautiful as we are, why do we stay losing? Everyday some sad example for a black woman sets us back with a display of embarrassment. We're known for the best and absolute worst things. We hate each other so much, and sometimes I can't even disagree with the reasons why. We a hot ass mess sometimes. We really need to get it together.
I don't expect everyone to agree with me. All you preachy people are sitting there spewing shit about self-love and blah blah. That's fine and dandy. I happen to agree with you, but I also happen to live in the real world. Where light skin girls are fantasy, dark skin girls wear platinum blonde wigs, fat girls call themselves thick and every other black girl is your secret enemy. So stick that in your fro and pick it.
The Articulate Bitch
Tuesday 25 September 2012
Wednesday 12 September 2012
Good Girls Get Good Things
All things considered, we as females can't help but want nice things. We love a nice bag, a bad shoe, perfect hair and on-point makeup. We can't help but want to look good outside because we'll feel great inside. Perhaps nothing, though, is as gratifying as receiving these nice things as a gift.
I realize saying "gift" implies that it's free, but to be honest that's not what I mean. In my definition of things, there are no real free gifts. You get presents from your friends on your birthday because you have value to them. You paid them in friendship. Nothing in this world is free, but not everything in this world is paid for in money either. In this case I'm talking about the difference between tricking and rewarding.
A trick (outside of the sex trade term) or bupz, as some of us say, is a dude who buys you things, pays for things, and spends his money on you without you performing wifey duties. Sex is not a wifey duty. Anyone can have sex, not everyone can be a wifey type. A trick isn't looking to build anything with you necessarily, he just wants to enjoy whatever it is you give him. So he doesn't expect wifey duties of you, and clearly doesn't mind spending on you. Generally we as ladies don't respect our tricks or bupz. Ask our friends how we refer to them. We don't even say their name, they're just "My Bupz".
Now, that's where tricking ends. A relationship (business or emotional) is a whole other ball game. Relationships become about rewards. It works both ways for males and females. It's all a give and take. You ride for him the way he needs you too and he rides for you and treats you the best way he can.
If you're his woman, you're probably taking care of him in some ways. You're feeding him and fucking him. You're rolling his piff, mixing his lean or whatever. You're showing him why he should keep you everyday. It's like a damn job for real. So why shouldn't he reward your awesomeness?
Why shouldn't he keep you fly while he's stuntin' on the world? "Match my fly" is more than a song lyric it's relationship advice. You would really rock Gucci head to toe while your girl was rockin' no labels at all? No. That's embarrassing. Especially if she's been so good to you. What kind of a man does that make you? Your girl is an extension and representation of you.
Y'all nodding and agreeing, ladies, but do you deserve nice things? Are you his rider or his ball and chain? Do you do for him without being asked, or does he have to nag you to be a good girlfriend? See, because only good girls get good things.
Loyalty is priceless. Nothing holds more benefit and value than a loyal woman. Before you disagree understand this: being loyal doesn't mean you're inferior in any way. It takes a special woman to stay loyal without a title, to remain loyal when betrayed, to accept an apology gracefully and still not get emotionally trampled by a man who's being a man. A loyal woman is the strongest kind.
Only a loyal female receives the best of things from her dude. So understand that doing for your man is not an automatic sign of weakness. If he treats you like shit and you stay, you've got the game fucked up. A smart bitch is loyal to a man who knows and respects what she is worth. He'll treat her well because she holds VALUE. So yes he'll buy her gifts and make sure she always looks good because he know that makes her feel good. About as good as she makes him feel.
Good girls get good things.
The Articulate Bitch
I realize saying "gift" implies that it's free, but to be honest that's not what I mean. In my definition of things, there are no real free gifts. You get presents from your friends on your birthday because you have value to them. You paid them in friendship. Nothing in this world is free, but not everything in this world is paid for in money either. In this case I'm talking about the difference between tricking and rewarding.
A trick (outside of the sex trade term) or bupz, as some of us say, is a dude who buys you things, pays for things, and spends his money on you without you performing wifey duties. Sex is not a wifey duty. Anyone can have sex, not everyone can be a wifey type. A trick isn't looking to build anything with you necessarily, he just wants to enjoy whatever it is you give him. So he doesn't expect wifey duties of you, and clearly doesn't mind spending on you. Generally we as ladies don't respect our tricks or bupz. Ask our friends how we refer to them. We don't even say their name, they're just "My Bupz".
Now, that's where tricking ends. A relationship (business or emotional) is a whole other ball game. Relationships become about rewards. It works both ways for males and females. It's all a give and take. You ride for him the way he needs you too and he rides for you and treats you the best way he can.
If you're his woman, you're probably taking care of him in some ways. You're feeding him and fucking him. You're rolling his piff, mixing his lean or whatever. You're showing him why he should keep you everyday. It's like a damn job for real. So why shouldn't he reward your awesomeness?
Why shouldn't he keep you fly while he's stuntin' on the world? "Match my fly" is more than a song lyric it's relationship advice. You would really rock Gucci head to toe while your girl was rockin' no labels at all? No. That's embarrassing. Especially if she's been so good to you. What kind of a man does that make you? Your girl is an extension and representation of you.
Y'all nodding and agreeing, ladies, but do you deserve nice things? Are you his rider or his ball and chain? Do you do for him without being asked, or does he have to nag you to be a good girlfriend? See, because only good girls get good things.
Loyalty is priceless. Nothing holds more benefit and value than a loyal woman. Before you disagree understand this: being loyal doesn't mean you're inferior in any way. It takes a special woman to stay loyal without a title, to remain loyal when betrayed, to accept an apology gracefully and still not get emotionally trampled by a man who's being a man. A loyal woman is the strongest kind.
Only a loyal female receives the best of things from her dude. So understand that doing for your man is not an automatic sign of weakness. If he treats you like shit and you stay, you've got the game fucked up. A smart bitch is loyal to a man who knows and respects what she is worth. He'll treat her well because she holds VALUE. So yes he'll buy her gifts and make sure she always looks good because he know that makes her feel good. About as good as she makes him feel.
Good girls get good things.
The Articulate Bitch
It's Trapmas
Today is one most holiest of days, Trapmas. This, the twelfth of september is the birthday of The Gawd Himself 2Chainz. Let the church say Truuuuuu and put ya twos up.
The Articulate Bitch
The Articulate Bitch
Club Chronicles 16: Concert Edition
Summer is winding down. Hoodie season is slowly creeping up on us and with that comes the rush of concerts to end the season of fantastic weather.
I'll be honest, I'm not a big concert fan. I love music, and I love live music, but much of the concert experience causes me strain and frustration. Maybe I'm bougie and just a lil bit Hollywood, but here are a few things that trouble me about concerts.
I hate lines. I am generally a very patient person but I still get insanely irritated when I have to wait in a line for things. I don't experience the line issue at the club thanks to networking, concerts tend to be similar but security is turnt up. The main issue with concert lines is the sheer volume of groupies in artist merch, carrying posters, and shit to get autographed. These fans are wired denabitch! They're so hype it's borderline embarrassing. My patience doesn't extend far enough to tolerate them for so long. We not even in view of the stage yet and they're going buck. Chill. Save the screaming for the actual show.
Groupies/eye candy females are another annoyance of mine. It's always real funny to see these girls at concerts because you can spot them a mile away. They rock the most thirst worthy outfit, the longest weave a pay cheque can buy and flirt freely with venue staff in hope of ending up backstage. They don't know the songs, they just bop slow and get fake hype. They tend to avoid eye contact with me because there's always a chance I'll recognize them and put them on blast. Like this hahahaha. But ladies never fear. I'm not a name dropper, you're safe.
Industry folks are always a staple at concerts. Backstage is generally packed with people just chilling. The air is thick with Piff fumes and the smell of alcohol lingers on the breath of everyone holding a conversation. Truth is most, but not all, industry folks are really feeling themselves. I call it the heads & tails effect. Some have certainly earned that right. Years in the game, a resume that would hurt your feelings, expense accounts and racks in the bank. Those are the heads. They run shit, they are the face of their product. Then there are the tails. Literally following behind the heads. Some tails are dope individuals who simply have a well connected friend who brought them along for the ride. Then there are the delusional tails who act like heads. Cocky, over confident and obscure. No one recognizes them. You see people asking each other in hushed tones "who brought this guy?" as they watch this person make a fool of themselves. Really un-cute.
Back in front of the stage, there are fans on fans on fans hype for the show. Consideration goes out the window entirely. I'll never understand grown men pushing and shoving females half their size to get closer to the stage. You're 6'4 shoving my poor 4'11 homegirl to stand in front of her? You can't be serious. These dudes are the same ones who will push you in line at the club without a single care and not a single polite word to excuse themselves. I hate them. All.
Bottom line, concerts are supposed to be community events where people can share their love of music. Do your part to make it a good experience for everyone.
The Articulate Bitch
I'll be honest, I'm not a big concert fan. I love music, and I love live music, but much of the concert experience causes me strain and frustration. Maybe I'm bougie and just a lil bit Hollywood, but here are a few things that trouble me about concerts.
I hate lines. I am generally a very patient person but I still get insanely irritated when I have to wait in a line for things. I don't experience the line issue at the club thanks to networking, concerts tend to be similar but security is turnt up. The main issue with concert lines is the sheer volume of groupies in artist merch, carrying posters, and shit to get autographed. These fans are wired denabitch! They're so hype it's borderline embarrassing. My patience doesn't extend far enough to tolerate them for so long. We not even in view of the stage yet and they're going buck. Chill. Save the screaming for the actual show.
Groupies/eye candy females are another annoyance of mine. It's always real funny to see these girls at concerts because you can spot them a mile away. They rock the most thirst worthy outfit, the longest weave a pay cheque can buy and flirt freely with venue staff in hope of ending up backstage. They don't know the songs, they just bop slow and get fake hype. They tend to avoid eye contact with me because there's always a chance I'll recognize them and put them on blast. Like this hahahaha. But ladies never fear. I'm not a name dropper, you're safe.
Industry folks are always a staple at concerts. Backstage is generally packed with people just chilling. The air is thick with Piff fumes and the smell of alcohol lingers on the breath of everyone holding a conversation. Truth is most, but not all, industry folks are really feeling themselves. I call it the heads & tails effect. Some have certainly earned that right. Years in the game, a resume that would hurt your feelings, expense accounts and racks in the bank. Those are the heads. They run shit, they are the face of their product. Then there are the tails. Literally following behind the heads. Some tails are dope individuals who simply have a well connected friend who brought them along for the ride. Then there are the delusional tails who act like heads. Cocky, over confident and obscure. No one recognizes them. You see people asking each other in hushed tones "who brought this guy?" as they watch this person make a fool of themselves. Really un-cute.
Back in front of the stage, there are fans on fans on fans hype for the show. Consideration goes out the window entirely. I'll never understand grown men pushing and shoving females half their size to get closer to the stage. You're 6'4 shoving my poor 4'11 homegirl to stand in front of her? You can't be serious. These dudes are the same ones who will push you in line at the club without a single care and not a single polite word to excuse themselves. I hate them. All.
Bottom line, concerts are supposed to be community events where people can share their love of music. Do your part to make it a good experience for everyone.
The Articulate Bitch
Kush Talk w/Jamz: Reefer Romance
By now you probably know I'm a dedicated stoner, and a hopeless romantic. I had said once on twitter that couples who smoke together have a bond non-stoners just wouldn't understand. Many couldn't understand where I was coming from with that statement, but couples who could relate felt me 100%. I'm going to show you why smoking together can be the epitome of intimacy and romance.
1. The Wake & Bake: I like to call this the roll and roll. Morning sex is awesome, of course. There are very few pleasures we are able to indulge in before the day begins that have the same satisfying effect as one good roll in the sheets when the sleep-drunkenness is still in effect. In this case the wake & bake before or after (...or both) is like the THC cherry on top of your 5am fornication. Some people smoke cigarettes after sex, clearly stoners have their own sexual come down. It just happens to take them higher.
2. The Selfless Stoner: Any valued stoner girlfriend knows what this is. You've watched him tweet and text you all day about how stressful the day has been, yours hasn't been any better. At the end of this long day, there are only two things on the mind of a reeferette in love: weed and HIM. So what do you do? You check your local dispensary and fly home at light speed to end the day on a high note. If you're like me, you roll yourself a persy to mellow you out before he gets home then roll his favourite blunt or spliff. He walks in, stress hanging from his eyes, and there you are, his favourite girl with his other lover rolled flawlessly, in hand. The perfect end to a bad day.
3. Favourites: The key to any relationship is having a firm knowledge of the person you're with. Average folks know her favourite flowers and perfume, or his favourite movie and drink of choice. Knowing your partner is key. This is no different for couples that smoke together. She's been stealing your grinder for weeks, complaining that her weed scissors are sticking and pouting in your face about it. So you, being the perfect boyfriend you are, go to your local head shop and pick out a cute pink, titanium Puff grinder. You see that smile on her face when you hand it to her? Le Win. There are endless thoughtful gifts and gestures for stoner couples. The little things really do make all the difference in he world.
4. The Kiss: Most smokers will agree they haven't taken or done a super since their rookie smoking years. But really, between two people who go together, a super is the kiss that gets you lifted. It's romantic as fuck... And happens to look real sexy too.
5. Stoner Sex: Some people like the feeling of alcohol in their bloodstream when they hit the sheets. Personally, I'm not too into the sloppiness of drunk sex. Tipsy, maybe. High? Definitely. Good weed and good sex just go together like sloppy Joes and napkins. Besides that, I challenge you to find an activity that makes you feel more bawse than getting head and smoking... At the same damn time.
The couple that smokes together.... Probably gets hella munchies together.
The Articulate Bitch
1. The Wake & Bake: I like to call this the roll and roll. Morning sex is awesome, of course. There are very few pleasures we are able to indulge in before the day begins that have the same satisfying effect as one good roll in the sheets when the sleep-drunkenness is still in effect. In this case the wake & bake before or after (...or both) is like the THC cherry on top of your 5am fornication. Some people smoke cigarettes after sex, clearly stoners have their own sexual come down. It just happens to take them higher.
2. The Selfless Stoner: Any valued stoner girlfriend knows what this is. You've watched him tweet and text you all day about how stressful the day has been, yours hasn't been any better. At the end of this long day, there are only two things on the mind of a reeferette in love: weed and HIM. So what do you do? You check your local dispensary and fly home at light speed to end the day on a high note. If you're like me, you roll yourself a persy to mellow you out before he gets home then roll his favourite blunt or spliff. He walks in, stress hanging from his eyes, and there you are, his favourite girl with his other lover rolled flawlessly, in hand. The perfect end to a bad day.
3. Favourites: The key to any relationship is having a firm knowledge of the person you're with. Average folks know her favourite flowers and perfume, or his favourite movie and drink of choice. Knowing your partner is key. This is no different for couples that smoke together. She's been stealing your grinder for weeks, complaining that her weed scissors are sticking and pouting in your face about it. So you, being the perfect boyfriend you are, go to your local head shop and pick out a cute pink, titanium Puff grinder. You see that smile on her face when you hand it to her? Le Win. There are endless thoughtful gifts and gestures for stoner couples. The little things really do make all the difference in he world.
4. The Kiss: Most smokers will agree they haven't taken or done a super since their rookie smoking years. But really, between two people who go together, a super is the kiss that gets you lifted. It's romantic as fuck... And happens to look real sexy too.
5. Stoner Sex: Some people like the feeling of alcohol in their bloodstream when they hit the sheets. Personally, I'm not too into the sloppiness of drunk sex. Tipsy, maybe. High? Definitely. Good weed and good sex just go together like sloppy Joes and napkins. Besides that, I challenge you to find an activity that makes you feel more bawse than getting head and smoking... At the same damn time.
The couple that smokes together.... Probably gets hella munchies together.
The Articulate Bitch
Top Ten Most Swag: Greatest Feelings
1. The pee after sex - I dunno what it is that makes this the most satisfying piss you can ever take but my god it's amazing. To the point I sit there for a moment after to savour the feeling.
2. Taking off your underwear/bra- after a long day of being tightly held in and constrained by undergarments, it's literally the first thing I do when I walk through my door.
3.Taking out your ponytail - females and dudes with long hair know. After a while you feel this dull tightness that makes you feel like your just had a face lift. Pulling that hair tie out of your hair releases all kinds of tension a you let your hair fall. Bliss.
4.Scratching your head- you know when u find that one sweet spot, and the scratch is so good you close your eyes and bask in the greatness of the itch.
5. The moment ur done puking when ur drunk- the good old throw and go. You've drank yourself stupid and the night is still young. The bottle isnt finished yet and you're not trying to look like a pussy turning down drinks. But... Oh no... Run quickly because you've got to puke! You make love to the porcelain goddess for a moment and suddenly feel a million times better. Back to the bottle! Time to drink some more!
6.Digging your ear with a bobby pin- okay this one is real yaadie (not exclusively Jamaican). Island people know exactly what I mean. No, you're not supposed to put foreign objects in your ear, and u certainly shouldn't push too deep (pause) but digging in your ear with a bobby pin and making that scratching noise with your throat is just so satisfying.
7. Morning head - nothing like waking up to that wet and warm below the covers. Pure greatness.
8. Getting whatever it was out of your eye - you sit there and rub away (pause) trying to get the mystery fuck shit out of your eye. No success. You give up until it starts to drive you crazy again and you start rubbing the shit out of your eye. Finally you blink and, could it be? Yes! It's finally gone!!!!
9.taking off your heels - I hate heels. Well, I love how they look I just hate how they feel. I rarely wear them but when I do and I get home, there is no greater feeling than taking them off and placing your foot on flat ground again.
10. Orgasm - if you've never had one then just get out. The best of the feelings. Ugh.
The Articulate Bitch
2. Taking off your underwear/bra- after a long day of being tightly held in and constrained by undergarments, it's literally the first thing I do when I walk through my door.
3.Taking out your ponytail - females and dudes with long hair know. After a while you feel this dull tightness that makes you feel like your just had a face lift. Pulling that hair tie out of your hair releases all kinds of tension a you let your hair fall. Bliss.
4.Scratching your head- you know when u find that one sweet spot, and the scratch is so good you close your eyes and bask in the greatness of the itch.
5. The moment ur done puking when ur drunk- the good old throw and go. You've drank yourself stupid and the night is still young. The bottle isnt finished yet and you're not trying to look like a pussy turning down drinks. But... Oh no... Run quickly because you've got to puke! You make love to the porcelain goddess for a moment and suddenly feel a million times better. Back to the bottle! Time to drink some more!
6.Digging your ear with a bobby pin- okay this one is real yaadie (not exclusively Jamaican). Island people know exactly what I mean. No, you're not supposed to put foreign objects in your ear, and u certainly shouldn't push too deep (pause) but digging in your ear with a bobby pin and making that scratching noise with your throat is just so satisfying.
7. Morning head - nothing like waking up to that wet and warm below the covers. Pure greatness.
8. Getting whatever it was out of your eye - you sit there and rub away (pause) trying to get the mystery fuck shit out of your eye. No success. You give up until it starts to drive you crazy again and you start rubbing the shit out of your eye. Finally you blink and, could it be? Yes! It's finally gone!!!!
9.taking off your heels - I hate heels. Well, I love how they look I just hate how they feel. I rarely wear them but when I do and I get home, there is no greater feeling than taking them off and placing your foot on flat ground again.
10. Orgasm - if you've never had one then just get out. The best of the feelings. Ugh.
The Articulate Bitch
Congrats XO
I've got to send some love and congratulations to The Weeknd inking a deal with Universal Republic Records and announcing the release date for possibly the most anticipated collection of music coming out of our fair screwface capital.
It's been a privilege watching the XO team grow and slaughter the industry with their unique brand of unapologetic ignorance and artistic vision. Following their work for the last two years beginning with She's So Lovely and my first listen of What You Need & Loft Music in the famed two story loft in the middle of the city, to their OVO cosign, to sold out shows around the world and now to the record deal. Hyghly XO and LaMar XO also won best director at the Much Music Video Awards this year for Drake, Lil Wayne & Tyga's The Motto. I'm very very proud of Abel & the XO team.
The Trilogy is set to release on November 13th and will include House of Balloons, Thursday & Echoes of Silence remastered as well as brand new unreleased tracks.
Much love fellas. Congratulations and I can't wait to see what else is in store for y'all!
Til We Overdose... XO.
The Articulate Bitch
It's been a privilege watching the XO team grow and slaughter the industry with their unique brand of unapologetic ignorance and artistic vision. Following their work for the last two years beginning with She's So Lovely and my first listen of What You Need & Loft Music in the famed two story loft in the middle of the city, to their OVO cosign, to sold out shows around the world and now to the record deal. Hyghly XO and LaMar XO also won best director at the Much Music Video Awards this year for Drake, Lil Wayne & Tyga's The Motto. I'm very very proud of Abel & the XO team.
The Trilogy is set to release on November 13th and will include House of Balloons, Thursday & Echoes of Silence remastered as well as brand new unreleased tracks.
Much love fellas. Congratulations and I can't wait to see what else is in store for y'all!
Til We Overdose... XO.
The Articulate Bitch
Tuesday 11 September 2012
Nothing's Wrong Except Everything: Trust Issues
I see and read and hear a lot on a day to day basis. Whether it's out in the real world (I hate that place), or online on various sites and social networks. It often baffles me how people can witness the same things I do and still have faith in those who carry on with questionable behavior. With fuck shit galore, invading our lives at every turn, how do y'all trust some people? Here are some people I constantly have my suspicions about, look at sideways and otherwise just do not trust.
1. Niggaz who take topless pics laying in bed. I dunno man, there is something just so effeminate about this pose that sets off multiple alarms in my mind. You mean to tell me you laid in your bed, fixing your lips, squinting your eyes just right? Worse is when there are accessories involved. The fitted cap and chain combo being my favourite. Sir, why are you topless in bed with a hat on, with your chain laid just so on your naked chest, licking your lips so they appear moist? That sound heterosexual to you? The funniest part is knowing that these fellas had a mini photoshoot in bed until they got it just right. I don't trust these niggaz. It just looks so frankie.
2. Neopolitan females. I call them this because it seems like they can't choose their flavor. If you creep their instagram it's one big cocktail of confusion. They've got the loving mother pictures with their children ,which are lovely and adorable. Then there are the club photos, a few too many for someone who has a child to care for. Then of course the classic half naked/lusty thirst trap photos. All this jumbled and tossed together on one account. I'm all for mothers maintaining their sexy, and of course the occasional outing away from your child is perfectly acceptable, but everything in moderation sweetheart. Think about how it appears to other people who don't know you. Those who have no idea your relationship with your child. You could be an amazing mother, but you'll always look like a waste gyal trying to get dicks hard in one pic, taking a bottle of goose to the head in another, then cradling your sleeping child in the next. I don't trust it.
3. Ghetto folks with brand name clothes. I don't trust y'all one fuckin bit. When I say brand name, I mean high fashion brand name. Fashion houses. Shit that isn't even in English. How do you expect anyone to believe you spent the money to be wearing the shit if you're so damn hood rat you haven't even extended your vocabulary enough to learn to pronounce the shit you're wearing? Then on top of it all you claim you got it through "a link", as we say in the dot. Oh. Really? Is that so? Y'all so backward. What's worse is these people will try so hard to convince you their shit is authentic despite the fact they paid a fraction of the retail price. All of a sudden and four-figure price tag is down to three, and how could we not believe it's real when the back of the van it's being sold out of was so clean? Niggaz out here saying "Ayo I got my Her-Meez belt for a bill-twenny b,". You can't be fucking serious. Darling, you can keep that her-meez trash, Hermès costs quite a bit more. I don't trust you niggaz.
4. Internet pimps/drug dealers/hustlers are another group I refuse to believe. I dunno who in their right mind, who makes dirty money, would publicly advertise what it is they do. Dropping hints and cryptic subliminals is one thing, that shit really isn't obvious. But there are dudes who make the shit so obvious you gotta hit 'em with the twitter eulogy (unfollow, block & report as spam) to take the heat away from your damn self. These dudes are so caught up in looking cool they forget pigs have twitter. Hot asses. Joke is, anyone ACTUALLY making money would never risk all that paper over public opinion on the Internet, so all these braggers are just pump faking. It wouldn't even be worth pigs' time to investigate these fools based on their tweets. They stupid asses gonna get caught slippin in real life on some dumb shit. I won't ever trust those niggaz.
5. Girls who fall in love with every dude that gives them a title. First of all, I highly doubt these females are truly in love with all these dudes, but they do everything to make it seem that way to their followers. They do the MOST I swear. The ride-or-die'esque tweetgrams and photo captions. The excessive "HIM" tweets. The picstitches and abusive use of valuable instagram feed space with kissy pics. Yeah, I might sound bitter being that I'm single, but believe me, plenty of people in relationships are equally as annoyed. Couples with time do nothing but shake their heads, because although they too share their happiness online, they keep it selective and sparse. Here you come all giddy about this new relationship and how in love you are, when just a few months ago you were riding or dying for the last dude. And the dude before that, and the dude before that. Who the fuck is gonna take you seriously? You doing too much shorty. I don't trust you.
Yet another installment of fuck shit I witness day to day on the good old Internet. Each day is another chance for folks to do questionable shit to annoy me, so stick around. I'm sure there will be more.
The Articulate Bitch
1. Niggaz who take topless pics laying in bed. I dunno man, there is something just so effeminate about this pose that sets off multiple alarms in my mind. You mean to tell me you laid in your bed, fixing your lips, squinting your eyes just right? Worse is when there are accessories involved. The fitted cap and chain combo being my favourite. Sir, why are you topless in bed with a hat on, with your chain laid just so on your naked chest, licking your lips so they appear moist? That sound heterosexual to you? The funniest part is knowing that these fellas had a mini photoshoot in bed until they got it just right. I don't trust these niggaz. It just looks so frankie.
2. Neopolitan females. I call them this because it seems like they can't choose their flavor. If you creep their instagram it's one big cocktail of confusion. They've got the loving mother pictures with their children ,which are lovely and adorable. Then there are the club photos, a few too many for someone who has a child to care for. Then of course the classic half naked/lusty thirst trap photos. All this jumbled and tossed together on one account. I'm all for mothers maintaining their sexy, and of course the occasional outing away from your child is perfectly acceptable, but everything in moderation sweetheart. Think about how it appears to other people who don't know you. Those who have no idea your relationship with your child. You could be an amazing mother, but you'll always look like a waste gyal trying to get dicks hard in one pic, taking a bottle of goose to the head in another, then cradling your sleeping child in the next. I don't trust it.
3. Ghetto folks with brand name clothes. I don't trust y'all one fuckin bit. When I say brand name, I mean high fashion brand name. Fashion houses. Shit that isn't even in English. How do you expect anyone to believe you spent the money to be wearing the shit if you're so damn hood rat you haven't even extended your vocabulary enough to learn to pronounce the shit you're wearing? Then on top of it all you claim you got it through "a link", as we say in the dot. Oh. Really? Is that so? Y'all so backward. What's worse is these people will try so hard to convince you their shit is authentic despite the fact they paid a fraction of the retail price. All of a sudden and four-figure price tag is down to three, and how could we not believe it's real when the back of the van it's being sold out of was so clean? Niggaz out here saying "Ayo I got my Her-Meez belt for a bill-twenny b,". You can't be fucking serious. Darling, you can keep that her-meez trash, Hermès costs quite a bit more. I don't trust you niggaz.
4. Internet pimps/drug dealers/hustlers are another group I refuse to believe. I dunno who in their right mind, who makes dirty money, would publicly advertise what it is they do. Dropping hints and cryptic subliminals is one thing, that shit really isn't obvious. But there are dudes who make the shit so obvious you gotta hit 'em with the twitter eulogy (unfollow, block & report as spam) to take the heat away from your damn self. These dudes are so caught up in looking cool they forget pigs have twitter. Hot asses. Joke is, anyone ACTUALLY making money would never risk all that paper over public opinion on the Internet, so all these braggers are just pump faking. It wouldn't even be worth pigs' time to investigate these fools based on their tweets. They stupid asses gonna get caught slippin in real life on some dumb shit. I won't ever trust those niggaz.
5. Girls who fall in love with every dude that gives them a title. First of all, I highly doubt these females are truly in love with all these dudes, but they do everything to make it seem that way to their followers. They do the MOST I swear. The ride-or-die'esque tweetgrams and photo captions. The excessive "HIM" tweets. The picstitches and abusive use of valuable instagram feed space with kissy pics. Yeah, I might sound bitter being that I'm single, but believe me, plenty of people in relationships are equally as annoyed. Couples with time do nothing but shake their heads, because although they too share their happiness online, they keep it selective and sparse. Here you come all giddy about this new relationship and how in love you are, when just a few months ago you were riding or dying for the last dude. And the dude before that, and the dude before that. Who the fuck is gonna take you seriously? You doing too much shorty. I don't trust you.
Yet another installment of fuck shit I witness day to day on the good old Internet. Each day is another chance for folks to do questionable shit to annoy me, so stick around. I'm sure there will be more.
The Articulate Bitch
Sunday 2 September 2012
My Fake Realigion
It's a proven fact that people need something to believe in. Faith of some kind. They need something greater than themselves to belong to. For hundreds of years people have turned to organized religion to offer them peace. To guide their actions and decisions in life. To reassure them that the life they live before death is worth something. That's all fine and dandy, the whole learning right from wrong thing, but let's be real; organized religion is not all that fun. The words in scriptures are in a language many struggle to fully comprehend. We require detailed explanations, and comparisons to properly apply them to our lives.
What if there was something fun to believe in? Well here's a Real-igion. Just for fun. I'm converting the world to Truuuism.
What is Truuuism?
Truuuism is the belief in realness. The belief that all things in life are defined and resolved through truth.
In this real-igion 2 Chainz is the almighty. 2 is of course, The sacred number, as 2 is always better than 1. While realness was not invented by Tity Boy, Truuuism was born through him. Praises to the most fly.
Disciples/Prophets/Spiritual Advisors
As with any organized religion, there are figure heads. People whose words or actions are used to guide us in faith.
Cam'ron was my first ignorance advisor. Cockiness and swagger reincarnate. Unafraid, bold and confident. Cam has always been a trendsetter who does shit just because he can. Remember the pink? Yeah.
Kanye West is another shining example of ignorance in the flesh. The Katrina fundraiser video, award show antics, famous girlfriends, leather kilts, quotables on quotables and being Jay Z's closest homie definitely put him in the prophet category. As I'm writing this he's currently the most retweeted person on my TL. 'Nough said.
Which brings us to Jay Z. If ever there was an ignorant lyric to be found this man would have one. This is sophisticated ignorance of course. This is grown folks ignorance. Ignorance for the refined, suit wearing, Cohiba smoking individual. Years in the game and arguably the greatest rapper alive, he's the most seasoned prophet.
The next prophet is on a whole other spectrum to the last. Gucci Mane, the baller belly havin', ice cream on the face tatt having, Brick Squad, Atlanta native is one of the most ignorant niggaz alive. I mean really. No fucks given. Ever! In all honesty I can't explain his ignorance better than his lyrics can.
Uncle Juicy J, so called because a friend of mine once told me that Juicy was like "your drunk uncle", has to be on the list of prophets if not solely for the fact he has maintained popularity more recently through a whole new fan base. Unashamed and always high, everyone loves Uncle Juicy.
We can't ever ignore the divine feminine Ms Nicki Minaj. I mean Come Up DVD Nicki. I mean Nicki featuring Gucci Mane Nicki. I mean Itty Bitty Piggy Nicki. I mean Nicki featuring The Gawd 2Chainz Nicki. Ignorant as fuck Nicki. Nicki is also the patron Saint of the Chuuuch of Stacie. But we'll get to that later.
There are disciples of ignorance as well. Chief Keef, ASAP Rocky, and Azaelia Banks of the Church of Stacie.
Spiritual advisors in Truuuism are the DJs. They preach sermons at church to deliver the Word to the congregation.
Rituals
Communion is taken on the sabbath, Thursday, past midnight to celebrate a new day. Just like any religion, weekly attendance at church is encouraged, but not required. Communion is, of course, the holiest of liquors, Hennessy.
Birthdays are celebrated to full extents, as every new year is a blessing all to itself. Rituals include being adorned in fine garments and a champagne shower by your closest friend/s.
Prayer and meditation are also parts of Truuuism. Burning of the sacred herb. 'Nough said.
The Chuuuch of Stacie
The Chuuuch of Stacie is the female sect of Truuuism. Guided by the patron saint Nicki. No corny bitch shit or bum bitchness is tolerated in the Chuuuch and is punishable by banishment from the VIP.
Penance
Penance are not severe with Truuuism as it is understood that imperfection is part of life. Banishment for periods of time from realigious ceremonies and sermons are expected penance for any fakery or bitchnigganess. You may also be slandered on twitter and forced to tolerate it for being a fugayzi nigga.
Scripture & Holy Books
Anything containing the Word of a prophet or The Gawd 2Chainz himself is considered scripture. Passages are cited the same way Bible scriptures are. For example: Cowboys 10:1, is the Book (Mixtape) Codeine Cowboys, track 10 verse 1.
Get it? Got it? Good.
Let the church say "truuuuuuuuu."
The Articulate Bitch
What if there was something fun to believe in? Well here's a Real-igion. Just for fun. I'm converting the world to Truuuism.
What is Truuuism?
Truuuism is the belief in realness. The belief that all things in life are defined and resolved through truth.
In this real-igion 2 Chainz is the almighty. 2 is of course, The sacred number, as 2 is always better than 1. While realness was not invented by Tity Boy, Truuuism was born through him. Praises to the most fly.
Disciples/Prophets/Spiritual Advisors
As with any organized religion, there are figure heads. People whose words or actions are used to guide us in faith.
Cam'ron was my first ignorance advisor. Cockiness and swagger reincarnate. Unafraid, bold and confident. Cam has always been a trendsetter who does shit just because he can. Remember the pink? Yeah.
Kanye West is another shining example of ignorance in the flesh. The Katrina fundraiser video, award show antics, famous girlfriends, leather kilts, quotables on quotables and being Jay Z's closest homie definitely put him in the prophet category. As I'm writing this he's currently the most retweeted person on my TL. 'Nough said.
Which brings us to Jay Z. If ever there was an ignorant lyric to be found this man would have one. This is sophisticated ignorance of course. This is grown folks ignorance. Ignorance for the refined, suit wearing, Cohiba smoking individual. Years in the game and arguably the greatest rapper alive, he's the most seasoned prophet.
The next prophet is on a whole other spectrum to the last. Gucci Mane, the baller belly havin', ice cream on the face tatt having, Brick Squad, Atlanta native is one of the most ignorant niggaz alive. I mean really. No fucks given. Ever! In all honesty I can't explain his ignorance better than his lyrics can.
Uncle Juicy J, so called because a friend of mine once told me that Juicy was like "your drunk uncle", has to be on the list of prophets if not solely for the fact he has maintained popularity more recently through a whole new fan base. Unashamed and always high, everyone loves Uncle Juicy.
We can't ever ignore the divine feminine Ms Nicki Minaj. I mean Come Up DVD Nicki. I mean Nicki featuring Gucci Mane Nicki. I mean Itty Bitty Piggy Nicki. I mean Nicki featuring The Gawd 2Chainz Nicki. Ignorant as fuck Nicki. Nicki is also the patron Saint of the Chuuuch of Stacie. But we'll get to that later.
There are disciples of ignorance as well. Chief Keef, ASAP Rocky, and Azaelia Banks of the Church of Stacie.
Spiritual advisors in Truuuism are the DJs. They preach sermons at church to deliver the Word to the congregation.
Rituals
Communion is taken on the sabbath, Thursday, past midnight to celebrate a new day. Just like any religion, weekly attendance at church is encouraged, but not required. Communion is, of course, the holiest of liquors, Hennessy.
Birthdays are celebrated to full extents, as every new year is a blessing all to itself. Rituals include being adorned in fine garments and a champagne shower by your closest friend/s.
Prayer and meditation are also parts of Truuuism. Burning of the sacred herb. 'Nough said.
The Chuuuch of Stacie
The Chuuuch of Stacie is the female sect of Truuuism. Guided by the patron saint Nicki. No corny bitch shit or bum bitchness is tolerated in the Chuuuch and is punishable by banishment from the VIP.
Penance
Penance are not severe with Truuuism as it is understood that imperfection is part of life. Banishment for periods of time from realigious ceremonies and sermons are expected penance for any fakery or bitchnigganess. You may also be slandered on twitter and forced to tolerate it for being a fugayzi nigga.
Scripture & Holy Books
Anything containing the Word of a prophet or The Gawd 2Chainz himself is considered scripture. Passages are cited the same way Bible scriptures are. For example: Cowboys 10:1, is the Book (Mixtape) Codeine Cowboys, track 10 verse 1.
Get it? Got it? Good.
Let the church say "truuuuuuuuu."
The Articulate Bitch
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