Ambitious Girl: Part 2 - Dreams & Nightmares

I have this recurring dream (it's more of a nightmare really) where I'm a doll. Doesn't sound terribly frightening, I know. But I'm not just a regular doll like a Barbie or a Bratz doll, I'm like one of those super realistic, lifelike, rubber companion dolls. Like the ones dudes be obsessed with on those shows they run on A&E or TLC or whatever. In my nightmare I have no control, my life is not my own. I don't decide what I wear, what I eat, or what I do all day. I don't speak, although I have my own thoughts and can hear myself thinking. I'm paraded around, put on display to be viewed. My 'companion' is a mystery to me. I hear his voice, I can see him, even feel him, but I never see his face. Whenever he turns to look at me, I avert my eyes. At night he does to my doll self what those dudes do with their dolls at night, then falls asleep snoring only for me to become a real person again. By this time I usually end the dream closing my eyes as if to sleep, then wake up. Creepy, right? But that is, quite literally, my greatest fear. Not having control over my life because I've given it away to someone else.

In our lifetime we all go through the motions of "living for others". These stages where we forget about ourselves because love feels too good, I'm having too much fun, or I don't want to be an asshole. There should never be anyone around you who would MAKE you do anything. You should just know when it's within you to be there when they need you, and they, as your lover/friend/relative/coworker/ boss etc, should understand that you have limits much like they do. Don't mistake me, love and responsibility are very real. They tie us to things and people that are important and truly MEAN something to us. They are reserved for things we value. But at any point that love becomes the chore in your life, or that responsibility is sucking your soul dry (like a thankless job or an unfortunate obligation) you come to the crossroad when you need to decide who you are obligated to keep happy... FOR REAL.

You, sitting there, reading this now, have felt this. There's the sad part: "I do too much to help people and no one ever helps me,". The realization: "Then when they help me they make me feel like I owe them a favor,". The angry part: "Yo. Fuck EVERYBODY. I'm not doing no more favors. I ain't helpin' SHIT!". The "obvious" exceptions: "only blank blank and blank can ask me for anything,". Then we make ourselves the villain we think everyone else is: "I'm gonna start being selfish like everybody else is,". That last part is the kicker. We think everybody who shits on the world is only thinking of themselves because they're not giving handouts and favors. We think, if generosity hurts this goddamn much, selfishness must be euphoria. We decide to live for ourselves.

Now in all honesty, most people are not too successful cutting off the world and rediscovering themselves this way. Sometimes it works out quite well, as I've witnessed. Sometimes it damages people and makes them hateful. They end up isolated, lonely tweeting on a Friday night playing Sade. So why does it work for some and not for others? I'm gonna go on observation.

From what I can see, it's like everything else in life; moderation. Prioritize; lose dead weight and keep the good people. The supportive ones who have their own goals to motivate them. The ones who fantasize about being rich with you. Know what things are worthy of your time and effort. My opinion is that is something is rotten, you cut it off. If its causing me too much stress, I can't really be bothered with it. I'll try hard to preserve the peace around me but it's real quiet for the chaos if the trying don't work. Be generous where generosity is warranted and deserved and you will never feel as though the favor is not being returned. The right people do this without being asked. It's probably the dopest thing ever.

The people around you gotta want the same things for themselves that you want for them and vice versa. They have to want to live for themselves so you don't have to live for them. Then voila. You can live for yourself.

The Articulate (and ambitious) Bitch

Ambitious Girl: Part 1 - Our Men

Summer is coming! While I am thrilled about good weather and summer fashion, I find myself looking forward more toward the opportunities summertime tends to present me. My ambition has been my focus as of late. Long story short, I'm young, but getting older. I need to get my shit together. That (plus a few recent occurrences) is the inspiration behind this new set of posts. I dedicate these to ambitious girls everywhere.

When it comes to ambition, nothing is more important than your state of mind. Being in a mental state of optimism, positivity and certainty. So naturally, the best thing to do is to surround yourself with people who are like minded and will help motivate you and keep you on the right track. Perhaps no one person is more vital in this supportive role than the man in your life.

I can recall being with guys who, while talented and full of potential themselves, never truly had faith in mine. I'm attracted to ambition, drive, determination. That self-motivated attitude just does something for me. Why? Because I want to see in my man what I see in myself: greatness. It always starts off the same way; we first meet, they ask what I do (not an easy answer), and give that "Oh, that's dope," response. They may even read a thing or two that I've written and tell me how much they enjoyed it. But as time progresses, things begin to shift. It's so slow and gradual, that at first you don't even recognize it. It starts small, simple, and seemingly innocent. Usually it begins with careless dismissal. He doesn't want to hear about what you're doing anymore. Suddenly all the intellectual and business conversations revolve around him and what he wants to do. You find yourself constantly reassuring him that he's on the right track, he's doing fine, everything will work out, a lot of "just stay positive babe,". Try to insert an experience of yours as an example or analogy, he dismisses it as "not being the same". I can remember vividly having a bad day at work and coming home to my man. He asked me what was wrong of course, but mid way through my rant about how tired I was of working so hard for such little reward, he cut me off saying simply, "baby, I'm glad you're working so hard but I really don't want to hear all about work,". I never mentioned work again. But please believe he expected me to sit and listen to his tirades about everything going on with his work. Silly me, I did, and do you know where that lead me? I got so wrapped up in him, supporting him, reassuring him and consoling him that I forgot about myself. My ambition took a back seat to his! And imma keep it all the way real, I was the one with the REAL potential in our relationship. I lost myself and gave up my life to be his cheering section when all I wanted in the beginning was someone to cheer for me as hard as I cheered for them.

We're already expected to love unconditionally, support him & his dreams, understand that he's human & will makes mistakes and to forgive him for those mistakes. We are wanted at home to play the woman's part (which there is NOTHING wrong with, I want to STRESS that because we do serve an important purpose in gender roles that way), criticized and harshly scrutinized when we don't pursue our own goals for the sake of our men, by both men and women alike. We have to play two roles; the loving woman, mothers of the future and queens to our kings, as well as modern woman, free thinker, independent female, begging nothing from anyone. It's no easy task to wear all those hats. Especially when one lifestyle and the other clash.

Next comes the break up. Possibly the hardest thing any of us ever has to do. We all do it for different reasons, but the ambitious girl, she does it because her relationship is becoming a liability to her ambition. As mine did for me. I hate breaking up because using your ambition as the reason for leaving someone, seems to never be enough. It's as though we shouldn't be allowed to leave someone to focus and better ourselves. So you tell him, as sincerely as you know how, that you want to end it. You need time and space to breathe and think about yourself. When I was younger it was to find myself. When I had found myself and finally felt like I knew who I was, my breakup was to nurture this new sense of self. To feed my ambition and achieve the greatness I knew I had within me. You know what he told me? The same thing many men tell ambitious girls: "Whatever, you just want to breakup so you can go be a hoe,". This same thing had been said to me by 3 men. Three men who all had ambitions of their own, who upon meeting me claimed to love that I was motivated. Told me how sexy it was that I was so smart. Now these men reduced me to the lowest common denominator: pussy.

I will not lie to you (because I love y'all so), each and every time I heard that, I became so discouraged, so hurt and so broken by the statement. Why couldn't I just truly want something more for myself? Why couldn't it be that I felt held hostage by the man who claimed to want the best for me? Nothing I said had any bearing anymore. He had decided that ambition wasn't my motivation, but the pursuit of penis was. I felt small, inadequate and as though I didn't know myself. It made me feel as though regardless of who I chose to love and share my life with, my ambitions would always come after his because his were more important, more validated. I had no idea how untrue this was until I proved myself wrong. I decided to validate myself instead of allowing anyone to make me feel lesser-than. Possibly the most liberating feeling in the world is succeeding at something people tell you you can not do.

Now, there are fellas reading this now who may have been the ones telling a female that "she only wants to go be a hoe", and not to worry, I've saved a special section for you. Although the modern woman tends to be more self sufficient and motivated to independence, not every girl uses this reason truthfully. For some girls it's a nice politically correct way to end a relationship without being in the wrong. That way when you spazz out, she can say "look at him, I told him I need space and time to better myself and he's going ham," meanwhile she's happy as a pig in shit, using her new freedom to wear down her mattress... Bathroom sink.... Backseat of a car....VIP section of the club... Etc. I am, in no way, speaking about these trifling hoes who make life harder for ambitious girls who really just want no distractions, and the freedom to make life decisions without having to factor in her man. But that's for you as a man to decipher. Don't punish a real bitch for what a fake hoe does.

Truthfully, as women we need to understand that we are in a new age. While many things are changing, the mind sets of people are still slowly progressing. They need time to catch up. To accept that sometimes he needs to have dinner ready because you were actually busy being great, but that you will still put the kids to bed and make their lunch for school. We can't ignore our nature as women, but we shouldn't suppress that inner voice telling us that we are so much more than what any man, or woman believes we are.

The Articulate (and ambitious) Bitch

Letter To Courtney Garcia

Hey girl,

Come, sit. Let's chat.

You wrote a letter to "Young BJ" (as I am affectionately calling her), the young lady who gave Danny Brown a blow job on stage, which could have been better. I liked some of it. Even got a couple chuckles in but please, let me help you out by showing you what other options were available to you:

Number 1: you could have simply NOT wrote the letter. Just saying.

Number 2: you could have laughed at the hilarity of it just like most people did and do. The shit was funny.

Number 3: you could have wrote a piece slandering groupies instead. Young BJ is but ONE female out of many who throw inhibition to the wind to limitlessly aim to meet, greet, suck and fuck their favourite (or any) artist. That would have been a better contribution to huffpo than a personal attack on Young BJ.

Number 4: this isn't an option, but rather a question: which hip hop concert have you been to where the audience fist pumps yelling "west side"? Your option here was to decidedly leave that corny suggestion out.

Number 5: you might have considered the fact that speaking on any rapper's dental situation is pointless since Nas is the only one who has ever cared enough to fix his pearly whites. Danny Brown came in the game as a dirty nigga and goddamnit I like him that way. Teeth and all.

Number 6: you may have taken the road less travelled and alternately praised Young BJ as a hero amongst groupies. Young BJ did what the average groupie can not and will not do: make her true groupie-ness known. She knew people would record it, capture it, post it an upload it for the world to see and did that stop her? Nope. She saw Danny Brown's dick inches from her face, Kanye shrugged, and showed him what dat mouf do like "fuck it. YOLO". That took guts (and perhaps a lot of spit).

Number 7: I don't know if you're even a Danny Brown fan but as I said before. He's a dirty nigga. I expect... nay... I DEMAND to see scandalous shit and morally reprehensible actions at a show like his. Have you listened to "I Will"? If it were possible to eat pussy and rap on stage, I'm sure he would have already done it. However, manners says we are not to speak with our mouths full. So he got some sloppy toppy instead so he wouldn't have to stop rapping for his fans. The way I see it, he's quite the gentleman.

My my, how nice of you it was to offer to SIT with Danny Brown to write a "legit" article. You're already published on a widely read site. Perhaps you should have written a "legit" article from the beginning.

I'm not going to make this long winded. I'm just saying, YOU had options too.

Bruiser.

The Articulate Bitch

Kush Talk w/Jamz: Non Stoner Boyfriend

So a conundrum f sorts came to mind the other night whilst smoking a spliff by myself. How do niggaz who don't smoke deal with a girlfriend who does? This directly relates to me so my curiosity ran rather deep and my mind wandered of course prompting this post.

In a relationship where both of you smoke, there are little intimate rituals the two of you share. It's a bonding thing. Long day of work, y'all both stressed out (perhaps sex is on the menu I dunno), somebody got weed somebody's gonna roll it, y'all gonna lay up in bed and share a moment. So naturally you have something in common, something you DO together.

I've never been with someone who didn't smoke weed. I don't know if that makes me strange or if it just means that most niggaz are smokers. Le shrug. So now I'm stuck between trying to peer pressure my king into becoming a stoner just for my sake (LOL), or trying to find out what the replacement for that little cute ritual is gonna be.

Yes we may both like Hennessy but lets not become alcoholics out here in these skreets. Either way I may have to et bak to you on this one. But please. Help me out. Tweet me what the solution to this problem should be and hashtag #TAB @416Jamz

The Articulate Bitch

Kush Talk w/Jamz: Niggaz Don't Respect My Sleep

Bruh I'm bout tired as fuck! Girl like me so in love with sleep, lately I'm ready to give up my other vices just for an ounce of shuteye. I dunno what it is about me and sleep, but people really don't wanna see us happy together. Or so it seems.

It's been years since I can recall getting that real good, quality, deep, REM sleep. I hear some of you preaching that "better lifestyle" bullshit but you don't know my life. My schedule allows for later nights and a tad bit of sleeping in in the morning. For me, having a 1 am bed time is not only acceptable, but encouraged. My night owl lifestyle has made it so that I get most of my work done when most folks are drooling on their pillow cases. So the dark hours are still productive for me. While I can see the "benefit" or waking up early, I really don't have to. No early work outs, no dropping the kids off, no opening shift hours, no breakfast show to catch, no rush hour to rush to. No, my life is not easier, my schedule is just different, pushed back a couple hours.

As in most areas of my life, there is a certain liberty people take when dealing with me because they know I am generally inclined to say yes to most requests. So when it comes time for me to sleep, and my phone starts bumpin', I'm torn between responding to people who have either slept the daylight hours away or those who have punched their clocks and are embracing freedom from their daily slavery, and sleep. While it's easy to say "just put your phone on silent" or "turn your phone off" (which is just SO unreasonable), it's not that simple. Certain people are allowed to have unlimited access to me, which is why my phone is always so close at hand. I can't blame my phone for interrupting my sleep, because in all honesty it doesn't ring very often. The most frequent occurrence on my phone is a twitter notification. So let's not go placing blame on technology.

In years long past, I was honestly losing sleep to sex. Scouts honour, me and my ex spent far too much time doing the horizontal tango. My "eager to please" libra personality had me allowing this guy to rouse me from sleep for nookie regardless of what ya girl had to do in the morning. Two job shawty, getting no sleep, and this nigga always wondering why I was so moody. I love sex just as much, if not more than the next person, but I LOVE SLEEP MORE. I'd much rather be pent up, sexually frustrated and well rested than fucked senseless and late for work everyday, losing money. Fuck that!

I've also had terrible luck with neighbours in my life. Before I moved out of the hood, I had some dude break in the spot while I was sleeping one day. Got in the apartment, opened my bedroom door and turned on the lights (very inconsiderate of him, I know). I'm a pretty light sleeper so I jumped out  of my sleep and spun around to see who was at the door. Dude panicked and ran out the crib so fast I didn't have a chance to grab the knife from under my pillow. Could have been much worse, I know. I'm just thankful it wasn't.  When I moved downtown, we had this huge chick who lived above us. Bitch sounded like she was swan diving off the furniture every single day. It wasn't any better that we lived in a store-top spot above a dry cleaner, who regularly ran that little train track-esque system the clothes be on. It sounded like we lived on top of the Yonge subway line. One more move and we had the misfortune to live under a possibly schizophrenic meth head tranny. Those of my homies who came to visit know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Dude would be up there yelling profanities, throwing himself into walls, breaking glass, and often strutting sloppily around in heels. Despite multiple complaints to the superintendent, no one called the cops.

In the many moves, many room mates and house mates, boyfriends and family members, there has always been a snorer. My dad, both my exes, my best friend and even my king ALL snore. These niggaz always sawing logs and calling home the hogs when it's time for lights out. Snoring bothers me less now (although some people snore like they might lose their life during the night), because I've become accustomed to it now, but the crazy sleepers I just can't get with. Jamaicans would say you "sleep bad", for folks like these. They sleep like they're fighting someone in their sleep. They kick you, roll on top of you, throw bows, talk in their sleep, the whole nine. I. Will. Not. I might love you to death. I don't care. You will sleep on the floor. Deadass.

I love sleep. I miss sleep. But it seems I am destined for sleepless nights and thousands of dollars lost to cosmetics dedicated to dark circles. I'm gonna take a vacation alone just so I can sleep uninterrupted for three days..... Mmmmmmm... Sleeeeeeeeep....

The Articulate Bitch

Reasons and Excuses

Thought it may be a good idea to have a little correspondence with my lovely readers to keep y'all updated and in the loop with what's going on with ya bish....

Firstly, yes the relaunch was to be on march 13th. However, as I have learned many times before when relying on people, the only way to guarantee something is done the way you want, you've got to do it yourself. So quick shout out to the web designer I fired. That being said, I am not a web designer/ web builder and have been thusly disappointed with the limited creativity of the people who are taxing the pants off people for mediocre work. So I've spent the last two weeks using indigo as my personal library to learn what I can about building a new and amazing blog, worthy of my readers.

I know I've neglected y'all but hopefully you haven't completely given up on me! I have so many dope things in store for you guys. It's going to be a great spring/summer here on The Bitch!

The Articulate Bitch

Most Swag: Ways to Show Love

It's finally February and Valentine's day is once again here. As important as it is to show some love on this designated day, it's perhaps more important to know how to show the person you're with some loveeeee and affection every day.

Many people are just not affectionate. They take the approach of treating their relationship like a job. They show up, go through the motions, do the bare minimum and clock out at the end of their shifts with about as much enthusiasm as it takes to watch paint dry. Affection is meant to show love to someone, in subtle ways. Small acts of love to remind someone that you are enjoying the time you spend with them, and that they make you happy.

Affection is a lost art. To be effective, it has to be tailored to the person you're showing it to. Most people aren't super mushy, or lovey-dovey, so the "traditional" concept of romance and affectionate behaviour may not necessarily be well received by the modern man or woman. Beyond the death of traditional romance, many people are not comfortable  with PDA (public displays of affection) either, so an equivalent must be found to suit the needs of our modern day relationships. Here are a couple ways I've found are better suited for the 2013 man and woman's new love life.

In days long passed, it would have been commonplace and customary to write the man or woman of your current affections a love letter. You would have sat at your dimly lit desk and poured over mushy line after line until the pages were full and your heart had purged it's every inner emotion. Sealed with a kiss and a spritz of something sweet smelling, your letter would have been read by your sweetheart over and over and over again until their cheeks hurt from smiling. Then they would reciprocate and complete the same process. Nowadays, snail mail is dead, so too died the love letter. What do we have now? Well, we have texting. However informal the delivery and however un-romantic the writing process, this is what we are left with. Sending your boo a nice text, however long or short is a nice way to let them know that you're thinking about them. Don't lie, when your phone buzzes and you see it"s a text from your boo, you smile. That's exactly the point.

In public, showing affection can be a slippery slope. Too much, and you're one of those people. Not enough and you're lover may think you are afraid to claim them in public. Personally, I'm not a fan of PDA. I think certain things should be left for the privacy and intimacy that is reserved for just the two of you. You don't have to eat each others' faces in public to show some love in public, but you shouldn't be so obscure that others aren't sure that y'all are together either. Body language and eye contact says so much. At the very least, the physical distance between you should be small enough that another girl/guy won't try to scoop your sweetheart. I can't tell you how often I see dudes walk so far behind their girlfriends that other dudes see an open window to step to her. Then they want to get mad about it, like it's not their fault. There is a simple solution, don't be afraid or ashamed to BE with someone in public. You don't need to kiss or even hold hands if that's not your steelo, but at least have occasional physical contact that reflects an intimate relationship. When you are out together there should be no question about whether or not he/she is yours.

Random acts of romance are dead, but in all honesty they need to be resurrected. There's nothing like an out of the blue gift, or date, or a surprise at work/school to make the other person feel special as fuck. Don't wait for Valentine's Day to be romantic, that's lame. What does it hurt to send her flowers at work just to show her some appreciation? How much would he love it if you surprised him with a brazilian wax and new lingerie? I'm just saying....

Great sex is always a good way to show love. Although you should never half-ass the sex you have with someone you love, sometimes you gotta do a little extra to show them you aren't getting to comfortable. For example, there's nothing quite as porn-worthy as getting inebriated with your lover and indulging in a well needed, no holds bar, zero inhibitions type throw down in the sheets. Maybe you let him/her try something new, or maybe you try something new on them. Either way, nothing shows more love than boosting the sex game a little bit. Keep shit interesting, remind them why they wake up to you and not those other losers.

Food is also a genuine way to show love. We all gotta eat, and we all love food in some way or another. We all have favourites and things we don't get to treat ourselves to often enough. So naturally treating your significant other to a rare food experience is about as loving and thoughtful as it gets. Perhaps you take them to their favourite restaurant, perhaps you try new food together, perhaps you make them dinner.... perhaps they make you breakfast?

Being the catalyst of calm is about as real love can get for many of us. Our day to day lives are filled with bullshit and irritants that are often hard to shake when we arrive home. Being the soft spot for your lover is key in stressful times. Think about it: your man/girl had a long, tiresome day at work. They come home complaining and relaying all the troubles of the day with you, the stress just dragging them down as though gravity got turned up. Here you come with their favourite drink (my King likes Hennessy), or maybe a blunt (their favourite of course),  a massage and a nice sloppy round of head. Winner. They'll love you for it, and they remember why they're with you in the first place.


These are just a few of many effective ways to show love in 2013. Bottom line is to treat your lover how you yourself want to be treated. Do all the things you would love them to do, and remind them every day why you are the only person they should ever want to be with. Because otherwise..... what's the point?

Happy V Day y'all!

The Articulate Bitch