Ambitious Girl: Part 2 - Dreams & Nightmares

I have this recurring dream (it's more of a nightmare really) where I'm a doll. Doesn't sound terribly frightening, I know. But I'm not just a regular doll like a Barbie or a Bratz doll, I'm like one of those super realistic, lifelike, rubber companion dolls. Like the ones dudes be obsessed with on those shows they run on A&E or TLC or whatever. In my nightmare I have no control, my life is not my own. I don't decide what I wear, what I eat, or what I do all day. I don't speak, although I have my own thoughts and can hear myself thinking. I'm paraded around, put on display to be viewed. My 'companion' is a mystery to me. I hear his voice, I can see him, even feel him, but I never see his face. Whenever he turns to look at me, I avert my eyes. At night he does to my doll self what those dudes do with their dolls at night, then falls asleep snoring only for me to become a real person again. By this time I usually end the dream closing my eyes as if to sleep, then wake up. Creepy, right? But that is, quite literally, my greatest fear. Not having control over my life because I've given it away to someone else.

In our lifetime we all go through the motions of "living for others". These stages where we forget about ourselves because love feels too good, I'm having too much fun, or I don't want to be an asshole. There should never be anyone around you who would MAKE you do anything. You should just know when it's within you to be there when they need you, and they, as your lover/friend/relative/coworker/ boss etc, should understand that you have limits much like they do. Don't mistake me, love and responsibility are very real. They tie us to things and people that are important and truly MEAN something to us. They are reserved for things we value. But at any point that love becomes the chore in your life, or that responsibility is sucking your soul dry (like a thankless job or an unfortunate obligation) you come to the crossroad when you need to decide who you are obligated to keep happy... FOR REAL.

You, sitting there, reading this now, have felt this. There's the sad part: "I do too much to help people and no one ever helps me,". The realization: "Then when they help me they make me feel like I owe them a favor,". The angry part: "Yo. Fuck EVERYBODY. I'm not doing no more favors. I ain't helpin' SHIT!". The "obvious" exceptions: "only blank blank and blank can ask me for anything,". Then we make ourselves the villain we think everyone else is: "I'm gonna start being selfish like everybody else is,". That last part is the kicker. We think everybody who shits on the world is only thinking of themselves because they're not giving handouts and favors. We think, if generosity hurts this goddamn much, selfishness must be euphoria. We decide to live for ourselves.

Now in all honesty, most people are not too successful cutting off the world and rediscovering themselves this way. Sometimes it works out quite well, as I've witnessed. Sometimes it damages people and makes them hateful. They end up isolated, lonely tweeting on a Friday night playing Sade. So why does it work for some and not for others? I'm gonna go on observation.

From what I can see, it's like everything else in life; moderation. Prioritize; lose dead weight and keep the good people. The supportive ones who have their own goals to motivate them. The ones who fantasize about being rich with you. Know what things are worthy of your time and effort. My opinion is that is something is rotten, you cut it off. If its causing me too much stress, I can't really be bothered with it. I'll try hard to preserve the peace around me but it's real quiet for the chaos if the trying don't work. Be generous where generosity is warranted and deserved and you will never feel as though the favor is not being returned. The right people do this without being asked. It's probably the dopest thing ever.

The people around you gotta want the same things for themselves that you want for them and vice versa. They have to want to live for themselves so you don't have to live for them. Then voila. You can live for yourself.

The Articulate (and ambitious) Bitch