25 Lessons

25

What better way to celebrate my birthday than by returning to my readers? It's October 12th 2013 and a bitch just hit that good old quarter century milestone. I'm an older ting now zeen?

I decided that a landmark such as this should start on the right note. So I thought I might impart some wisdom I've gained in my few but many years of life. Some things I have only learned recently and others are lessons we are taught before we can tie our shoes and correctly tell time. Here are my top 25 lessons learned by 25.

1. Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Seems so straight forward but we forget everyday how important it is. Regardless of whatever characteristics or realities we feel separate us from other people we often lose sight of the fact that we are all, in essence the same. We all have struggled and fears, victories and joys. We all experience up an downs in life that have such effects on us they can change us permanently, both for better and worse. That being said, whether we interact only in passing or as close companions in life, treating each other with the same basic graces we would expect for ourselves has become nothing more than a fairy tale. No one holds doors open, says please or thank you, gives up seats for old ladies or helps the blind cross the street. I mean, I'm not expecting people to become saints over night but honestly let's find our basic manners. 

2. Attitude is everything. The whole positivity wave is everywhere these days. Everyone becomes a philosopher when the topic arises and I suppose there are plenty worse things to be obsessed with on such a wide scale. But truly, having the right attitude can drastically change the outcome of many situations. How many times have you over reacted or said something you regretted, having the situation become wildly more inflated than it ever had to be? Or how many times have you fallen into a habit of feeling like shit and watched as your life just past you by, making you feel more like shit? That last one has been me SO many times in life. I'm far more emotion-driven than I care to admit so I get into these major slumps sometimes when everything just sort of, stops. I feel crappy so I don't feel like doing anything productive. Then nothing good happens so I feel more crappy. Vicious cycle. You gotta find a way to pull yourself out of those fucked up hamster wheel modes we humans get into. Life is both too long AND too short. Grow up, put on some red lipstick and your big girl shoes and get back to life. 

3. Social media is a relationship killer. I had to add this because the reality is, I live on social media! I get my news, my music, my weather, my fashion, and sometimes even my food from social media. Shouldn't be surprising that we meet people we date there too. That being said, the one thing that we should never use social media for is our relationships. Relationships are the one thing reserved for just two people. There are subtle things, inside jokes, knowing glances and private moments that other people should never be privy to. These sites bring out the ugly in people. I am and have never been an exception to this. On TDotWire my boyfriend's side piece sent me a message. On Facebook I found out the guy I was talking to was still with his "ex". MySpace ... Well no, MySpace was never that cool....... but Twitter is where I first got in trouble for creeping and my him planted tweets to make me angry. Yes, social networks are great for many things but for relationships..... Not so much. 

4. Never mix business and pleasure. Money and feelings don't mix. If you've ever loaned or borrowed money from a friend or tried to get into business with a lover, you know what this is about. Some people turn into strange beings when money gets involved. Not everyone knows the value of money, not the amount, but the value of the work taken to make it. Spoiled children think everything will always be given to them because, big or small, nothing has value to them. They are never satisfied with what they have because they feel they can and will always be GIVEN more without lifting a finger. So they think everything will always be that easy. What a rude awakening they are in for. The same goes for grown folks. Some folks don't know the value of money so you can't expect them to know they have obligations to fulfill before they get it. Reading these people had become so key in finding people I want to work with and do great things with in the future. Thankfully I'm getting the hang of it. 

5.  Good riddance to bad rubbish! Never feel bad about trimming the fat in your life. Sometimes we just need to declutter our lives and get rid of the negative forces. ESPECIALLY relationships! Always remember that the person who holds that sweet spot in your heart and warm place in your bed should inspire only the best thoughts and dearest feelings. They should be your rock, your saving grace. If at any point that changes into resentment, anger, fear or disappointments which can not be resolved, you as a person owe it to yourself to leave. We often think that toughing it out is the right thing to do, and while quitting cold turkey and giving up at the drop of a hat is ill advised, so is torturing yourself. Sometimes your efforts will simply not be enough. You can talk til you're blue in the face, they just don't hear you. You try guiding them in the right direction, they just won't go. You fight tooth and nail against giving up on them because you care, but it doesn't work. You've done all you could, and are making yourself miserable trying anymore. So you throw in the towel, perhaps for the better of both of you. Expect backlash, hurt people hurt people. They will have things to say, they may share you secrets and weaknesses but always remember that they, too have their own. So see lesson #1. 

There's the first 5 lessons, next Saturday I'll share some more. If you've got your own you'd like me to add tweet me @ ArticulateBxtch #25Lessons

The Articulate Bitch

The Bitch

Man, it's been a really long and difficult hiatus from the blog! I missed y'all oh so much, but my poor mind was so scrambled the last few months I couldn't articulate a damn thing....

I think sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is take a step back when things start to get too hectic and re evaulate. You know, devise a new game plan. So the plan now is simple, I'm on a happiness wave. I hope y'all will ride the wave with me.

I have tons of new posts and great content for you guys, and I'm hoping y'all will get involved in some  of the interactive things I have in store.

Tell a bitch to tell a bitch to tell a bitch....

The Bitch is back....







The Articulate Bitch

Love's Invisible Price Tag

I'm torn on a certain subject. I've done my dues to weigh the pros and cons and still I find myself at a loss. It is a rare topic that leaves me without a definitive opinion, yet whenever this one arises the logic of both sides leaves me on the fence. 

As women of 2013 and beyond, we are expected to be the wonder woman. We are expected to have discovered the magical balance between maintaining the home as gender roles, society and history have taught us and being new age women of the workplace, making our own money. While neither niche is any less relevant or important than the other I wonder to myself how much pressure men feel to do the same. 

What I mean to say is, have the roles changed for men as well? Are the expectations we have of the kings in our lives raised to a new standard, or has the independent woman made the lives of men that much easier? Are we demanding less of men as we demand more of ourselves?

Years ago, the best a girl could hope for was to find a good man, with a good job. Your ambitions revolved around this future you envisioned, wherein your future husband was the centre of your life. His contribution was invaluable. Poor thing, what would you ever do if he left you? Divorce rates were low and the nuclear family reigned supreme. Normal was normal and any variant of it was frowned upon. 

Something happened, however. Things changed and women became contenders in the world of making money. Equality attained entirely or not, no one can deny that fact. We are completely able and even expected to live out lives without men. There goes that husband-central mentality. Now this man, who we greatly NEEDED before is no longer a necessity. Now your good man, with a good job is like... an accessory. While having him is nice, should he vanish tomorrow your world would keep spinning. Your rent would still get paid, you wouldn't go hungry, nothing would stop. So now you don't need a man to do those things for you, so what? Well, what do you need him for? Sex? Please. Dick is a dime a dozen (and so is pussy). 

So you got your shit together, right? You make your own money and don't ask anybody for anything. A dude with all his shit together will probably really like you. A broke dude will too. Let's not ignore the fact that we are women, we have feelings whether we want to acknowledge them or not. We want somebody to love and to love us. What greater thing is there than that? Here comes the dilemma: in this current situation where self preservation and stunting is above all, where appearances matter and we damn sure care what people think, what's more important? The love? Or the money?

Really. Serious question. 

Should you love blindly and whole heatedly? Loving a man with ambition, drive, potential to be something great, even if he hasn't reached greatness yet? Or learning to love a man who appears to have it all figured out already? I suppose that sounds a bit biased, so let me flip it. Should we set our standards at a certain point, regarding anything less than what we want and feel we deserve (and plenty times we damn well deserve it) as settling for less? Should we demand excellence from the very beginning? Life is both too long and too short to blindly invest in anything, isn't it?

Has not needing a man now given them the option to take their time becoming the providers they once were in the name of ambition and potential? Are we complaining about the pitfalls of being with a guy who's on the come up, only to enable him? 

I adore a guy with ambition. I love that passion that drives him to attain goal after goal and how happy an accomplished man is. It's dope to be proud of your king. Why shouldn't you share in his victories and cheer him on? In fact many great men are where they are now because they had a dope chick with them.

I guess what I'm really wondering is: where is the line? How much are we supposed to expect our man to do for us, since we can do it all for ourselves now? Should we expect him to take care of us if we've worked so hard to prove he doesn't have to? Maybe that's the point. Is that the new role men are meant to play? Should we be searching for a guy who has proven he can do better than ourselves? Are we doing something wrong if our king isn't there...yet? 

Who's a better woman? The one supporting and standing by her ambitious man? Or the one who held out for a guy who could put the icing on her cake?

The Articulate Bitch

Ambitious Girl: Part 2 - Dreams & Nightmares

I have this recurring dream (it's more of a nightmare really) where I'm a doll. Doesn't sound terribly frightening, I know. But I'm not just a regular doll like a Barbie or a Bratz doll, I'm like one of those super realistic, lifelike, rubber companion dolls. Like the ones dudes be obsessed with on those shows they run on A&E or TLC or whatever. In my nightmare I have no control, my life is not my own. I don't decide what I wear, what I eat, or what I do all day. I don't speak, although I have my own thoughts and can hear myself thinking. I'm paraded around, put on display to be viewed. My 'companion' is a mystery to me. I hear his voice, I can see him, even feel him, but I never see his face. Whenever he turns to look at me, I avert my eyes. At night he does to my doll self what those dudes do with their dolls at night, then falls asleep snoring only for me to become a real person again. By this time I usually end the dream closing my eyes as if to sleep, then wake up. Creepy, right? But that is, quite literally, my greatest fear. Not having control over my life because I've given it away to someone else.

In our lifetime we all go through the motions of "living for others". These stages where we forget about ourselves because love feels too good, I'm having too much fun, or I don't want to be an asshole. There should never be anyone around you who would MAKE you do anything. You should just know when it's within you to be there when they need you, and they, as your lover/friend/relative/coworker/ boss etc, should understand that you have limits much like they do. Don't mistake me, love and responsibility are very real. They tie us to things and people that are important and truly MEAN something to us. They are reserved for things we value. But at any point that love becomes the chore in your life, or that responsibility is sucking your soul dry (like a thankless job or an unfortunate obligation) you come to the crossroad when you need to decide who you are obligated to keep happy... FOR REAL.

You, sitting there, reading this now, have felt this. There's the sad part: "I do too much to help people and no one ever helps me,". The realization: "Then when they help me they make me feel like I owe them a favor,". The angry part: "Yo. Fuck EVERYBODY. I'm not doing no more favors. I ain't helpin' SHIT!". The "obvious" exceptions: "only blank blank and blank can ask me for anything,". Then we make ourselves the villain we think everyone else is: "I'm gonna start being selfish like everybody else is,". That last part is the kicker. We think everybody who shits on the world is only thinking of themselves because they're not giving handouts and favors. We think, if generosity hurts this goddamn much, selfishness must be euphoria. We decide to live for ourselves.

Now in all honesty, most people are not too successful cutting off the world and rediscovering themselves this way. Sometimes it works out quite well, as I've witnessed. Sometimes it damages people and makes them hateful. They end up isolated, lonely tweeting on a Friday night playing Sade. So why does it work for some and not for others? I'm gonna go on observation.

From what I can see, it's like everything else in life; moderation. Prioritize; lose dead weight and keep the good people. The supportive ones who have their own goals to motivate them. The ones who fantasize about being rich with you. Know what things are worthy of your time and effort. My opinion is that is something is rotten, you cut it off. If its causing me too much stress, I can't really be bothered with it. I'll try hard to preserve the peace around me but it's real quiet for the chaos if the trying don't work. Be generous where generosity is warranted and deserved and you will never feel as though the favor is not being returned. The right people do this without being asked. It's probably the dopest thing ever.

The people around you gotta want the same things for themselves that you want for them and vice versa. They have to want to live for themselves so you don't have to live for them. Then voila. You can live for yourself.

The Articulate (and ambitious) Bitch

Ambitious Girl: Part 1 - Our Men

Summer is coming! While I am thrilled about good weather and summer fashion, I find myself looking forward more toward the opportunities summertime tends to present me. My ambition has been my focus as of late. Long story short, I'm young, but getting older. I need to get my shit together. That (plus a few recent occurrences) is the inspiration behind this new set of posts. I dedicate these to ambitious girls everywhere.

When it comes to ambition, nothing is more important than your state of mind. Being in a mental state of optimism, positivity and certainty. So naturally, the best thing to do is to surround yourself with people who are like minded and will help motivate you and keep you on the right track. Perhaps no one person is more vital in this supportive role than the man in your life.

I can recall being with guys who, while talented and full of potential themselves, never truly had faith in mine. I'm attracted to ambition, drive, determination. That self-motivated attitude just does something for me. Why? Because I want to see in my man what I see in myself: greatness. It always starts off the same way; we first meet, they ask what I do (not an easy answer), and give that "Oh, that's dope," response. They may even read a thing or two that I've written and tell me how much they enjoyed it. But as time progresses, things begin to shift. It's so slow and gradual, that at first you don't even recognize it. It starts small, simple, and seemingly innocent. Usually it begins with careless dismissal. He doesn't want to hear about what you're doing anymore. Suddenly all the intellectual and business conversations revolve around him and what he wants to do. You find yourself constantly reassuring him that he's on the right track, he's doing fine, everything will work out, a lot of "just stay positive babe,". Try to insert an experience of yours as an example or analogy, he dismisses it as "not being the same". I can remember vividly having a bad day at work and coming home to my man. He asked me what was wrong of course, but mid way through my rant about how tired I was of working so hard for such little reward, he cut me off saying simply, "baby, I'm glad you're working so hard but I really don't want to hear all about work,". I never mentioned work again. But please believe he expected me to sit and listen to his tirades about everything going on with his work. Silly me, I did, and do you know where that lead me? I got so wrapped up in him, supporting him, reassuring him and consoling him that I forgot about myself. My ambition took a back seat to his! And imma keep it all the way real, I was the one with the REAL potential in our relationship. I lost myself and gave up my life to be his cheering section when all I wanted in the beginning was someone to cheer for me as hard as I cheered for them.

We're already expected to love unconditionally, support him & his dreams, understand that he's human & will makes mistakes and to forgive him for those mistakes. We are wanted at home to play the woman's part (which there is NOTHING wrong with, I want to STRESS that because we do serve an important purpose in gender roles that way), criticized and harshly scrutinized when we don't pursue our own goals for the sake of our men, by both men and women alike. We have to play two roles; the loving woman, mothers of the future and queens to our kings, as well as modern woman, free thinker, independent female, begging nothing from anyone. It's no easy task to wear all those hats. Especially when one lifestyle and the other clash.

Next comes the break up. Possibly the hardest thing any of us ever has to do. We all do it for different reasons, but the ambitious girl, she does it because her relationship is becoming a liability to her ambition. As mine did for me. I hate breaking up because using your ambition as the reason for leaving someone, seems to never be enough. It's as though we shouldn't be allowed to leave someone to focus and better ourselves. So you tell him, as sincerely as you know how, that you want to end it. You need time and space to breathe and think about yourself. When I was younger it was to find myself. When I had found myself and finally felt like I knew who I was, my breakup was to nurture this new sense of self. To feed my ambition and achieve the greatness I knew I had within me. You know what he told me? The same thing many men tell ambitious girls: "Whatever, you just want to breakup so you can go be a hoe,". This same thing had been said to me by 3 men. Three men who all had ambitions of their own, who upon meeting me claimed to love that I was motivated. Told me how sexy it was that I was so smart. Now these men reduced me to the lowest common denominator: pussy.

I will not lie to you (because I love y'all so), each and every time I heard that, I became so discouraged, so hurt and so broken by the statement. Why couldn't I just truly want something more for myself? Why couldn't it be that I felt held hostage by the man who claimed to want the best for me? Nothing I said had any bearing anymore. He had decided that ambition wasn't my motivation, but the pursuit of penis was. I felt small, inadequate and as though I didn't know myself. It made me feel as though regardless of who I chose to love and share my life with, my ambitions would always come after his because his were more important, more validated. I had no idea how untrue this was until I proved myself wrong. I decided to validate myself instead of allowing anyone to make me feel lesser-than. Possibly the most liberating feeling in the world is succeeding at something people tell you you can not do.

Now, there are fellas reading this now who may have been the ones telling a female that "she only wants to go be a hoe", and not to worry, I've saved a special section for you. Although the modern woman tends to be more self sufficient and motivated to independence, not every girl uses this reason truthfully. For some girls it's a nice politically correct way to end a relationship without being in the wrong. That way when you spazz out, she can say "look at him, I told him I need space and time to better myself and he's going ham," meanwhile she's happy as a pig in shit, using her new freedom to wear down her mattress... Bathroom sink.... Backseat of a car....VIP section of the club... Etc. I am, in no way, speaking about these trifling hoes who make life harder for ambitious girls who really just want no distractions, and the freedom to make life decisions without having to factor in her man. But that's for you as a man to decipher. Don't punish a real bitch for what a fake hoe does.

Truthfully, as women we need to understand that we are in a new age. While many things are changing, the mind sets of people are still slowly progressing. They need time to catch up. To accept that sometimes he needs to have dinner ready because you were actually busy being great, but that you will still put the kids to bed and make their lunch for school. We can't ignore our nature as women, but we shouldn't suppress that inner voice telling us that we are so much more than what any man, or woman believes we are.

The Articulate (and ambitious) Bitch

Letter To Courtney Garcia

Hey girl,

Come, sit. Let's chat.

You wrote a letter to "Young BJ" (as I am affectionately calling her), the young lady who gave Danny Brown a blow job on stage, which could have been better. I liked some of it. Even got a couple chuckles in but please, let me help you out by showing you what other options were available to you:

Number 1: you could have simply NOT wrote the letter. Just saying.

Number 2: you could have laughed at the hilarity of it just like most people did and do. The shit was funny.

Number 3: you could have wrote a piece slandering groupies instead. Young BJ is but ONE female out of many who throw inhibition to the wind to limitlessly aim to meet, greet, suck and fuck their favourite (or any) artist. That would have been a better contribution to huffpo than a personal attack on Young BJ.

Number 4: this isn't an option, but rather a question: which hip hop concert have you been to where the audience fist pumps yelling "west side"? Your option here was to decidedly leave that corny suggestion out.

Number 5: you might have considered the fact that speaking on any rapper's dental situation is pointless since Nas is the only one who has ever cared enough to fix his pearly whites. Danny Brown came in the game as a dirty nigga and goddamnit I like him that way. Teeth and all.

Number 6: you may have taken the road less travelled and alternately praised Young BJ as a hero amongst groupies. Young BJ did what the average groupie can not and will not do: make her true groupie-ness known. She knew people would record it, capture it, post it an upload it for the world to see and did that stop her? Nope. She saw Danny Brown's dick inches from her face, Kanye shrugged, and showed him what dat mouf do like "fuck it. YOLO". That took guts (and perhaps a lot of spit).

Number 7: I don't know if you're even a Danny Brown fan but as I said before. He's a dirty nigga. I expect... nay... I DEMAND to see scandalous shit and morally reprehensible actions at a show like his. Have you listened to "I Will"? If it were possible to eat pussy and rap on stage, I'm sure he would have already done it. However, manners says we are not to speak with our mouths full. So he got some sloppy toppy instead so he wouldn't have to stop rapping for his fans. The way I see it, he's quite the gentleman.

My my, how nice of you it was to offer to SIT with Danny Brown to write a "legit" article. You're already published on a widely read site. Perhaps you should have written a "legit" article from the beginning.

I'm not going to make this long winded. I'm just saying, YOU had options too.

Bruiser.

The Articulate Bitch

Kush Talk w/Jamz: Non Stoner Boyfriend

So a conundrum f sorts came to mind the other night whilst smoking a spliff by myself. How do niggaz who don't smoke deal with a girlfriend who does? This directly relates to me so my curiosity ran rather deep and my mind wandered of course prompting this post.

In a relationship where both of you smoke, there are little intimate rituals the two of you share. It's a bonding thing. Long day of work, y'all both stressed out (perhaps sex is on the menu I dunno), somebody got weed somebody's gonna roll it, y'all gonna lay up in bed and share a moment. So naturally you have something in common, something you DO together.

I've never been with someone who didn't smoke weed. I don't know if that makes me strange or if it just means that most niggaz are smokers. Le shrug. So now I'm stuck between trying to peer pressure my king into becoming a stoner just for my sake (LOL), or trying to find out what the replacement for that little cute ritual is gonna be.

Yes we may both like Hennessy but lets not become alcoholics out here in these skreets. Either way I may have to et bak to you on this one. But please. Help me out. Tweet me what the solution to this problem should be and hashtag #TAB @416Jamz

The Articulate Bitch